187: Glenn Beck, What Have You Done?

Psalm 115-118

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. - Psalm 118:13

All the psalms today are anonymous.

Psalm 115: All the other gods are false. I don't know how you determine which God is the right one, but this guy has figured it out.

Psalm 116: This person says that God answered his prayers. He conveniently doesn't mention how God did this, or what we should ask God for to get him to do it for us. I guess we just have to take his word for it.

Psalm 117: I think this is probably going to win the shortest Psalm contest:

Praise the Lord, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord.

I'll let you interpret that one. I think all the other Psalms could be condensed to about this size too.

Psalm 118: Again, God did something great to save this guy from his enemies, but we don't get to hear about it. You'd think with the length of the bible people would be able to go into some detail. No, they just constantly repeat what everyone else has said. Maybe my next project will be to condense the bible into 50 pages (I'm fairly confident it could be done without any loss of data).

*News*
Well, the Christian Post is pissed off again. That's not surprising. What is surprising is who they're pissed off at. Glenn Beck.

Glenn Beck recently urged anyone who is in a church that encourages "social justice", to leave their church. He equated social justice with Nazism and Communism (like he does with everything he doesn't like). Needless to say, churches that equate social justice with helping the poor aren't too pleased with Glenn Beck. Social justice seems to have an unfortunate (for Glenn Beck) definition:

* Freedom of thought;
* Liberty of conscience as it affects social relationships on the grounds of religion, philosophy, and morality;
* Political liberties (e.g. representative democratic institutions, freedom of speech and the press, and freedom of assembly);
* Freedom of association;
* Freedoms necessary for the liberty and integrity of the person (viz: freedom from slavery, freedom of movement and a reasonable degree of freedom to choose one's occupation); and
* Rights and liberties covered by the rule of law.

Yeah, if your church believes that shit, get out of there quick. You wouldn't want to be accused of being a nice person.

Congratulations Glenn Beck, you now have another group of people that's not taking you seriously.

(via The Christian Post)

186: Mr. Deity and the Dodge Charger

Psalm 108-114

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom - Psalm 111:10

Psalm 108 (David): David says God is great and asks for help killing his enemies. I think God would have answered the first time if he was going to help you David.

Psalm 109 (David): David asks for help killing his enemies again, but this time he goes about it in a bit of a different way. He asks God to appoint someone evil to appose his enemies. He tells God to put an "accuser" at their side. The interesting part is that "accuser", according to my NIV footnotes, can be translated into "Satan". So David is asking God to send Satan after them (depending on how you want to translate it). Which doesn't seem terribly out of the question, considering God and Satan seem to hang out a lot (see Job).

Psalm 110 (David): God now says (says David) that he will come help crush David's enemies. Finally.

Psalm 111 (Anonymous): God is great, says anonymous. Also, you can't be wise without fearing God.

Psalm 112 (Anonymous): Anyone who fears God will be blessed. All the wicked people will supposedly see this blessing and be so jealous that they will waste away to nothing.

Psalm 113 (Anonymous): God is wonderful. Nobody is as wonderful as God. The Psalms have definitely turned into a yawnfest.

Psalm 114 (Anonymous): The whole earth trembles in the presence of God. All the mountains skip around like rams (since when?).

*News*
A new Mr. Deity came out, AND it's payday. Every other Wednesday is a happy day.



If you didn't catch that first part. Maybe this will help you:



I thought he looked familiar.

185: Paramount Presents

Psalm 106-107

When our fathers were in Egypt, they gave no thought to your miracles; - Psalm 106:7

Both the psalms today are anonymous.

Psalm 106: Anonymous says God is wonderful and we should all pray for him. And then, you guessed it, a biblical recap! These anonymous writers need to get together and just write one biblical recap, or even better, just read the first part of the bible and leave these psalms out.

BOOK V

Psalm 107: This is just continuing the biblical recap started in psalm 106. What a waste of a day.

*News*
Paramount has begun production on a $30,000,000 bible movie, and in 3D nonetheless.

The movie is about the book of Genesis (the whole thing or just the beginning, I don't know). Needless to say, I have to see this. There are so many things that they have to deal with. What is God going to look like? Is he going to be an actor? How will the creation of the universe look (that's very up for interpretation)? Are they going to include the incest/rape/murder in the book of Genesis, or water it down for a lower rating?

If you'd have told me 6 months ago that I would be this excited about a bible movie I would have called you crazy.

(via Deadline New York)

184: God Wrote Notes on His Hand Too

Psalm 103-105

Praise the LORD, O my soul - Psalm 103:1 & Psalm 104:1

Psalm 103 (David): God is great, and compassionate, and wonderful. But of course, we probably only have to wait a few chapters for David to start whining about how God hates him again.

Psalm 104 (Anonymous): This Psalm starts and ends the exact same way David's Psalm started and ended with "Praise the Lord, O my soul", either someone is plagiarizing or David forgot to write his name at the top of the scroll. In this chapter, God bathes himself in light, as opposed to yesterday when he was surrounded by darkness. So which is it? Is God surrounded by darkness or light? I actually find this chapter pretty interesting, this anonymous writer (looks like David to me) lists all the things that "God does". Among these things are making grass grow, making the sun go down, making it rain on mountains. But of course, we now know God doesn't do any of these things, they all have perfectly wonderful scientific explanations. Science: 3, God: 0.

Psalm 105 (Anonymous): This is yet another biblical recap. I wonder if these anonymous (anonymouses? anonymi?) know that this stuff is already written down. No need to summarize over and over again. I wish I had more to say, but he just summarizes the journey of Israel to the promised land.

*News*
I'm sure you've all heard about Sarah Palin's palm-notes fiasco. What you may not have heard about is her excuse for doing it (which she admittedly thought up after the fact).

Energy, Budget Cuts, Lift American Spirits

Why? Because God did it! Of course, why didn't I think of that?

She came out today saying this:

I didn't [at the time] have a good answer to that criticism because I thought it was so ridiculous

Wait, you're not supposed to tell us that you just made up and excuse. You're starting out by undermining what you're about to say. Why are you in politics again?

Anyway, go on (with the excuse you just made up):

If it was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me

If you just said "what the fuck" out loud to your screen, you're in good company. The passage she is referring to is this:

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. - Isaiah 49:16

Good one Sarah, how many servants did you have scouring the bible to find that vague quote? Of course, if God does it, we know we should do it. I guess it's genocide time (reason #95,834 that Sarah Palin should not be President).

(via New York Daily News)

183: Meet Me Halfway

Psalm 96-102

My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. - Psalm 102:11

As of today I am over halfway through the bible! Or at least half of the days are up. Who knows how evenly this biblical dividing website has split the bible.

Psalm 96 (Anonymous): God is the best god (again). And we should most definitely worship him. Psalms repetitiveness has gone from amusing, to entertaining, to boring.

Psalm 97 (Anonymous): God rules over the world. Everyone should fear him because he burns people he doesn't like to death. There's an interesting image in this chapter, the bible says God is "surrounded by darkness". That seems like the opposite of what I've always heard. I thought God was surrounded by light and only the bad guys were dark. I guess "Lord of darkness" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "I am that I am".

Psalm 98 (Anonymous): We should all sing to God. You should also shout for joy because of God (when he's not too busy killing/maiming you).

Psalm 99 (Anonymous): All the nations should tremble because of God. God loves justice. Anonymous has to go back over Moses and Aaron again, in case we forgot.

Psalm 100 (Anonymous): Shout for joy and thank God for everything. The psalms today are terribly unexciting, and psalm 100 is only 2 short paragraphs long.

Psalms 101 (David): Again, I thought we were done with the psalms of David. David lets us know how he hates what the faithless people do (love you too David). David says he's going to "put people to silence" (to death?).

Psalms 102 (An afflicted man): This afflicted man prays for God to cure him. He says that because of God's wrath his days are like shadows. However, he seems confident that God will come back and have compassion for Israel (not necessarily him).

*News*
In the name of getting homework done, I'm giving you a video. It's a little genesis bible study by Ricky Gervais.

182: To Judge, or Not To Judge

Psalm 90-95

For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods. - Psalm 95:3

BOOK IV

Psalm 90 (Moses): Moses?! What is Moses doing writing psalms? Unfortunately Moses doesn't have anything new to say. Moses is in the same boat with everyone else, consumed by God's wrath. I'm curious at what point Moses wrote this, because he always seemed to be on board with the whole, God killing people, thing. Now he doesn't seem to be into it so much, "Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants". If any of the biblical scholars out there know, be sure to comment.

Psalm 91 (No Author Mentioned): This writer claims that if you"dwell in the shelter of the Most High" that he will protect you from your enemies, and make sure that nothing bad happens to you. I wonder why all of these servants of God say that God is "hiding his face" and not helping them.

Psalm 92 (No Author Mentioned): We should all praise God because he will protect us. The end. P.S. God is a rock.

Psalm 93 (No Author Mentioned): God is going to be around forever. His "statutes will stand firm" for forever and ever.

Psalm 94 (No Author Mentioned): This person says that God should judge everyone, and take vengeance. More mixed messages from Psalms. Maybe this is why God seems bipolar, he's trying to answer everyone's prayers at once. "Judge everyone!" "No wait! Don't judge me!" "No! Be merciful to everyone!" It all must be very confusing. P.S. God is a rock (this just amuses me too much to not mention every time).

Psalm 95 (No Author Mentioned): We have yet another person that claims God is not the only God "For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods". I'm not sure what else this could mean. This author says there are other gods, but God god is the best one. So why are all the Christians I talk to violently monotheistic? Nobody I talk to will even consider that other gods might exist.

*News*
What is God really like? That's a question Larry Jensen set out to answer. And I just have a few issues with his conclusion.

He starts out by saying that some people get a bad rap from hearsay and lies, and attempts to equate this with God's reputation. Here is one example:

Years ago my wife and I were meeting with an insurance salesman. I asked him if certain things were covered in the insurance policy and he told me no, because those things were considered an, "act of God". I proceeded to tell him that catastrophes or disasters were not from God; my God doesn't act like that. Through years of ministry I have heard so many people give God a bad rap, saying that he brings tragedy into people's lives. The way some folks talk you would think that God was against them and not for them.

Wait, what? I thought everything was God's plan. That's the favorite evasion tactic for the problem of evil (or at least the one I've heard most often). If God doesn't let it (or in fact want it) to happen, then how did it happen? If you have an all powerful, all knowing being, then something can't happen without his/her/it's express consent.

He then quickly diverts the topic to Jesus. Wait a minute, I thought we were talking about just God. [I know, Jesus is God, that's a whole different topic/debate.] This is his evidence that God just doesn't do those type of nasty things (even though it says tens if not hundreds of times that he does):

John 10:10 paints us a very clear picture of what Jesus is all about and what His character is. "The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly." God is not the one stealing, killing or destroying.

But God does destroy, he does kill. I don't think anyone can reasonably deny (if you believe the bible) that he does do those things. Finally, he gives us his litmus test for whether something is from God or not:

People constantly ask the question, "Is this Gods will for me?" If you want to know for certain if something is God's will, put it to the test of God's word and John 10:10. If it is stealing from you, killing or, destroying you it's not God, but if it will bring life to you then it is God. In the Message, John 10:10 reads like this, "

I thought everything was God's will. The more Christians I talk to and read articles from, the more the story line becomes incoherent. What does God do for us? What does he not do? Is everything God's plan or just some of the things that happen? Arguing for or against God becomes far more difficult when the concept of God is a moving target.

(via Daily News)

181: Cookie Monsters (Catholics)

Psalm 86-89

From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death; I have suffered your terrors and am in despair. Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me. You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. - Psalm 88:15-18

Psalm 86 (David): What? I thought we were done with David. By bible lied to me. Unless, of course, there's some other David that I was never told about. This really sounds like the David we've come to know and love (read: find annoying). God is wonderful, kill my enemies, don't kill me for equal crimes. Yup, that's our David. Also, we again get a hint that this God is not the only god that the Israelites know about. "Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord" - David Psalm 86:8.

Psalm 87 (The Sons of Korah): God loves Israel. The end (it was a really short psalm).

Psalm 88 (The Sons of Korah): The sons of Korah are back to their crying to God (as opposed to calling him wonderful). They say that God's wrath is heavy on them, and it is as if they are dead. They go on and on about how God's wrath has been on them since the day they were born. So much for those happy sons of Korah from yesterday. They're back to their constant mourning over God's wrath.

Psalm 89 (Ethan): We have a new Psalm writer. He decides to go on for about a page and a half about how wonderful God is. I thought he was just going to say God is wonderful, but like all the others there's an "oh by the way" section. He too asks if God will hide himself forever, and continue to allow David to be destroyed. Wait a minute, this sounds suspiciously like David. Why do I think that David told Ethan to write this, just in case God didn't get it when David prayed 8372 times?

*News*
We all know everybody loves Chick tracts (the website says so, so it must be true), but what happens when chick tracts piss off Catholics?

Click the image for the full tract or click the link below.

*Superhero music* Fox News! To the rescue! They wrote a very unflattering story about the Chick tracts, calling them "inflammatory leaflets". The favorite part for me was hearing what the Catholic Priest had to say about the Chick tracts (keeping in mind that he would probably be for a lot of what they usually say):

'It’s a very dangerous world we live in,' the priest said. 'But you can’t argue with ignorance, it’s not worth it.'

'I don’t understand the [pamphlet’s] reasoning — it has nothing to do with scripture. It’s anti-Catholic; it’s just hate material. It has nothing to do with theological discussion. 'You better get out and get saved' is basically what it says.'

Now replace anti-Catholic with anything else the Chick tracts talk about. Maybe Chick tracts are a good thing, they bring together atheists and Catholics (and everyone else) to hate them. I personally find Chick tracts very entertaining if you treat them like actual comic strips (not to be taken seriously).

For the full Chick tract, "The Death Cookie" go here.

(via Fox News)