Friday, September 18, 2009

13: Servant

Genesis 38-40
Well I guess we're back to strange and interesting chapters. Judah (one of Joseph's brothers that sold him) moves away and marries a Canaanite. He has a son named Er (possibly the worst name of all time). Er was "wicked" so God kills him (that was easy). Then Judah tells his son Onan to sleep with the wife of his dead brother so she can have babies. ***warning, horrible biblical science ahead*** Onan doesn't want to sleep with her dead brothers wife because "the offspring would not be his". Actually, bible, they would be his. But this isn't the worst part. Onan, to prevent his brother's wife from getting pregnant, ejaculates on the floor before he sleeps with her so she wont get pregnant. I don't think so. God doesn't like him splooging all over the place so he kills him.

The story of Tamar (Er's wife) isn't over yet though. She, being a biblical character, wants to do it with every other character no matter what their relation, and no matter what means she has to use to get it. Tamar hears Judah is coming to sheer sheep so she dresses up like a prostitute. Judah sleeps with prostitutes (why not?), so he winds up sleeping with his daughter-in-law. She gets pregnant and three months later someone tells him that Tamar is a prostitute. His first reaction is "Bring her out and have her burned to death". That's until he finds out it was him that was sleeping with her, then he says "She is more righteous than I". Long story short, she doesn't get burned and has his babies (twins).

We go back to the story of Joseph (who was sold to the Egyptians). He's such an awesome slave that he becomes the servant of one of the Pharaohs officials. The official's wife gets the hots for Joseph (of course) but he wont give her what she wants, so she pretty much says he tried to rape her. So Joseph gets thrown in jail, but he's an awesome jail slave too and gets treated well so "God is watching over him". Because, God had nothing to do with him being thrown in jail in the first place.

Pharaoh locks up a couple of other of his officials and they are put under the care of Joseph in prison. They have bad dreams and Joseph interprets them. His interpretations are correct (of course). Joseph had told one of them to get him out of jail but he doesn't. Nice guys.

[Edit: I mistakenly said "Jacob", instead of "Joseph" in the couple of paragraphs, it has been fixed.]

4 comments:

  1. "Onan, to prevent his brother's wife from getting pregnant, ejaculates on the floor before he sleeps with her so she wont get pregnant. I don't think so. God doesn't like him splooging all over the place so he kills him."

    yeah, i totally didn't believe this, so of course i had to look it up.

    i never really knew the bible was this fucked up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. In the last part, when you say Jacob, do you mean Joseph?

    ReplyDelete
  3. From my reading it looks like Onan just used the withdrawal method and spilled his semen *whilst* sleeping with his wife. Which nevertheless puts a real damper on withdrawal being an approved method of birth control by the Catholic church!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's relatively ambiguous as usual. "Whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring" is the actual wording. It of course doesn't say when (in the course of the sexual encounter) he spills his semen on the ground, so it's up for interpretation.

    ReplyDelete

 

Copyright © 2009, Page Info, Contact Me