Wednesday, November 11, 2009

67: Yum, Babies

Deuteronomy 28-29
Deuteronomy 28 is the repeat of Leviticus 26, which was, as you may remember, where God makes you eat your children if you are disobedient. I usually don't write again about sections that are pretty much repeated but this one is too good to not talk about again.

First are the blessings for obedience, these are the standard "you will have lots of children and be rich" type things. This has already been talked about and isn't nearly as interesting as the punishments for disobedience.

Keep in mind, these are the punishments if you don't follow ALL of God's decrees. Which means if your child has ever been disobedient and you haven't immediately killed him/her, you are guilty (or you have been that disobedient child). If you have ever eaten shellfish or any of the other "detestable" animals, you are guilty. If you have ever trimmed the sides of your beard, guilty! The general rule is that if you've enjoyed anything you've done in life, it's safe to assume you're guilty of something.

God will send you plagues and strike you with fever and disease till you die. He will turn the rain to dust and the dust will rain down on you till you are dead. God will cause all of your enemies to defeat you. Your body will be food for birds and animals (I don't think you're going to care that much at that point, cause you're already dead). You will get tumors, sores, and be itchy (I presume this is before you die). You will be mad, blind, and confused. You wont be able to see in the light of midday (aka blind). You will be unsuccessful in everything you do, and you will be oppressed and robbed daily.

*Takes a breath*

You will be pledged to marry a woman, but another man will take her and ravish her. Big shocker there, I don't think she's going to want to be with someone with tumors and boils all over them that gets robbed every day and is completely unsuccessful. You will build a house, but you wont live in it. Why? Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes (well at least one thing stays normal). Your donkey will be stolen from you, and your sheep will be given to your enemies. Your children will be sold into slavery.

And now, what you've all been waiting for, the baby eating punishment. Because of all of this suffering God has inflicted, you will eat your children. Even the most gentle of men will eat his sons and daughters, and worse yet, he wont even offer any of the flesh to his remaining sons, daughters, or his wife. What a jerk, don't hog all of the dead baby for yourself.

The most gentle of women will hide her afterbirth, and her baby, because she intends to secretly eat them later. So, since we know that God is the most moral being in the universe, we can only conclude that a proper punishment for disobedience is to force someone to eat their babies.

Keep in mind that I left out about half of the punishments for brevity, if you would like to read it in it's entirety click here.

Chapter 29 is all about renewing the covenant (again), and how bad things are going to be if you don't follow what's in the covenant (see above). The chapter mentions that in their 40 years of travel that their clothes did not wear out. This doesn't really make any sense, unless they passed down their clothes from generation to generation. The people at the end of the 40 year journey were not the same people that started, it was their children. If someone can explain to me how that works, that'd be great.

*Bible News*
This is rather silly bible news again today. Don Roush claims that his life was saved by the bible. How you ask? A piece of shrapnel came at his chest while he was fighting in the Korean war and it was stopped by the bible that he had in his pocket. This doesn't seem terribly silly until you see the picture of the bible, which has it's front cover barely nicked.



On the bright side, we have found a situation where the bible was actually useful.

The full article is here.

3 comments:

  1. This so reminds me of one episode of South Park where Cartman plots the murder of this one boy's parents and makes him eat them in a chili that he made because he conned less than $20 out of Cartman. But then again, we all know that the God of the Bible is sicker than any human being imaginable. Maybe even more so than the people that created him to begin with...

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  2. The bit about "your" wife being taken by someone else makes it awfully hard to continue claiming that women werent seen as property, doesnt it?

    PS. This comments box seems to reject comments with an apostrophe

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  3. “The people at the end of the 40 year journey were not the same people that started, it was their children. If someone can explain to me how that works, that'd be great.”

    --See Numbers 14:28-32

    Regarding eating babies… here is an interesting historical note.

    In AD 70, Titus laid siege to Jerusalem (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Jerusalem_(70)). He surrounded the city and essentially cut off it food and water. The famine was severe and brutal. Josephus, a Jewish (non-Christian) historian witnessing the siege (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josephus) records the destruction of Jerusalem. He writes the following in “The War of the Jews” (translated) Book VI, Chapter 3, #4 (http://www.ccel.org/j/josephus/works/war-6.htm).

    “There was a certain woman that dwelt beyond Jordan, her name was Mary; her father was Eleazar, of the village Bethezob, …. She was eminent for her family and her wealth, and had fled away to Jerusalem with the rest of the multitude, and was with them besieged therein at this time. … if she found any food, she perceived her labors were for others, and not for herself; and it was now become impossible for her any way to find any more food, while the famine pierced through her very bowels and marrow, when also her passion was fired to a degree beyond the famine itself; nor did she consult with any thing but with her passion and the necessity she was in. She then attempted a most unnatural thing; and snatching up her son, who was a child sucking at her breast, she said, "O thou miserable infant! for whom shall I preserve thee in this war, this famine, and this sedition? As to the war with the Romans, if they preserve our lives, we must be slaves. This famine also will destroy us, even before that slavery comes upon us. Yet are these seditious rogues more terrible than both the other. Come on; be thou my food, and be thou a fury to these seditious varlets, and a by-word to the world, which is all that is now wanting to complete the calamities of us Jews." As soon as she had said this, she slew her son, and then roasted him, and eat the one half of him, and kept the other half by her concealed. Upon this the seditious came in presently, and smelling the horrid scent of this food, they threatened her that they would cut her throat immediately if she did not show them what food she had gotten ready. She replied that she had saved a very fine portion of it for them, and withal uncovered what was left of her son. Hereupon they were seized with a horror and amazement of mind, and stood astonished at the sight, when she said to them, "This is mine own son, and what hath been done was mine own doing! Come, eat of this food; for I have eaten of it myself! Do not you pretend to be either more tender than a woman, or more compassionate than a mother; but if you be so scrupulous, and do abominate this my sacrifice, as I have eaten the one half, let the rest be reserved for me also." After which those men went out trembling, being never so much afrighted at anything as they were at this, and with some difficulty they left the rest of that meat to the mother. Upon which the whole city was full of this horrid action immediately; and while every body laid this miserable case before their own eyes, they trembled, as if this unheard of action had been done by themselves. So those that were thus distressed by the famine were very desirous to die, and those already dead were esteemed happy, because they had not lived long enough either to hear or to see such miseries.”

    If true, this is a fascinating correspondence with Deut 28:49ff

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