Thursday, December 17, 2009

103: Nothing but a Dream Within a Dream

1 Kings 3-5
Then the king said, "Bring me a sword." So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: "Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other." - 1 Kings 3:24-25

Solomon makes a treaty with the Pharaoh and marries his daughter.

God comes to Solomon and gives him one wish. God is now a genie. Solomon asks to be wise. God says that since Solomon didn't ask for riches or to have his enemies destroyed, that God will grant his wish. Wait a minute, God doesn't want to destroy Solomon's enemies any more? Maybe God is going to stop killing people and start being the fair and just God I was promised! This is almost too good to be true, it's like a dream. Oh wait:
Then Solomon awoke—and he realized it had been a dream.
Shit.

Two prostitutes come to Solomon with a problem. I'm not sure why the bible mentions that they were prostitutes. They both have a baby within days of each other. One of the mothers rolls over on her baby, killing it. She wakes up and finds that her baby is dead and does the ol' switcheroo with the other woman's baby. The other woman isn't that stupid and realizes it's not her dead baby, but the other woman's dead baby.

They decide to take the argument to Solomon (the equivalent of taking it to court). Solomon tells his servants to chop the baby in half and give a half to each mother. One mother agrees that this is the good course of action and the other gives up and says to give the baby to the other woman. This somehow proves that the more loving mother is the parent. Because we know that no children have psycho mothers that would kill them.

The next chapter is about all of the things that Israel eats per day. I'll spare you the details. They eat a lot. The rest of the chapter goes on to say how smart Solomon is. I'll spare you the details. He's really smart.

I have another beef with the language in the bible. First we had, the Israelites are more numerous than the stars in the sky. Now we have the bible constantly saying the people of Judah and Israel are more numerous than all the grains of sand on the beaches. Now, if you figure that one grain of sand is about .1 cubic millimeters that turns out to be 10,000 per meter (grains back to back in a straight line). 10,000 X 10,000 per square meter = 100 million. A hundred million is already getting to be a ridiculous number for the ancient world and we only have a plane of sand grains a meter wide. If you make it a cubic meter of sand the number becomes 1000 billion grains. I'm going to venture to say that the population wasn't 167x larger in the ancient world than it is today (keep in mind, this is one cubic meter of sand). Dear bible, stop using ridiculous metaphors.

Chapter 5 just talks about Solomon building a huge temple and all of the materials/labor he wastes on it.

*News*
A man uses the bible to try to justify beating a child with a piece of pipe.


Alkathene Pipe

The unnamed man said he was seeking to discipline the child in "the manner described in the Bible". I believe the punishment described in the bible for thievery (what the man accused the child of) is to kill the offender. We'll hope that he's never actually read the bible and has no idea what he's saying.

(via Stuff)

5 comments:

  1. Of course the stars and sand metaphors are just there to "show" that God fulfilled his promise to Abraham in Genesis. It is still a ridiculous metaphor.

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  2. Miscalculating the population of Israel by several orders of magnitude in NO WAY indicates that the Bible was written by primitive men and is not the divine word of a perfect god...

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  3. Can never understand why some people could take the bible as the word of God when there are so many errors and contradictions in it.

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  4. why the hell do we have stories about some guys inconsequential dreams? I mean seriously, if I wrote all my dreams down, it'd be longer than the bible

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  5. also to be fair, solomans treatment of the baby, is so wise. It is smart, and a very famous decision. Perhaps one of the only truely great decisions an isralie king has made

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