Saturday, December 19, 2009

105: Overkill

1 Kings 8-9
Solomon offered a sacrifice of fellowship offerings to the LORD : twenty-two thousand cattle and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep and goats. So the king and all the Israelites dedicated the temple of the LORD. - 1 Kings 8:63

Solomon decides that he needs to bring the ark of the covenant to Jerusalem. The ark (like everything else) seems to have lost it's Godly power. The ark that once destroyed people for merely touching it has been reduced to making rooms foggy. When the priests brought the ark to the tent of meeting they sacrificed "so many sheep and cattle that they could not be recorded or counted". I wonder when they decide to stop counting because it's too many.

Solomon then proceeds to give the most long winded prayer ever (or maybe it just seems like it). He says pretty much the same things that all the other prophets say in their prayers: God is wonderful, God is big and scary, punish the sinners, reward the obedient, etc.

Apparently the temple needs to be dedicated. They do this by sacrificing twenty-two thousand cattle, and a hundred and twenty thousand sheep/goats. I certainly hope nobody is going to bed hungry in Israel because they just wasted hundreds of tons of meat. I think ten or twenty is sufficient, they're getting to be a little ridiculous with their sacrificing.

In chapter 9 God appears to Solomon to let him know that he heard his prayer and he approved. Why didn't he just come to Solomon right after giving the prayer? Was he busy? Oh, that's right, it's because this is another dream. I wonder if Solomon takes his wet dreams seriously too. Does he really think that beautiful women (or men, I don't judge) have sex with him at night? Or is the thinking dreams are real thing only reserved for God?

The last part of chapter 9 describes the forced labor Solomon used to build his temple and his palace. This sounds a lot like Pharaoh enslaving the Israelites. But this is good slavery, because the Israelites are doing it.

First we had the brick testament, then we had the LOLcat bible, and now we have the Zombible!

Apparently the only thing the bible was missing was zombies. The writers of the Zombible aim to remedy that. Unfortunately, they are only going to zombify the New Testament which, from what I understand, is the most interesting part. I think the Old Testament could use some zombies right about now. Then maybe people other than pastors and crazy bloggers would read it.

This looks like a rip off of books like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Oh well, it might be unoriginal, but it's still awesome.

While I was looking through the Zombible website I found an interesting link at the bottom of the page called "Philosophy" (click at your own risk). It's irrelevant but amusing.

(via Pharyngula)


  1. For what it's worth, my first Bible/zombie short story "The Hunger of Lazarus" was published in 2000, long before PP&Z. I'd been wanting to do something like Zombible for years, but just recently got around to it.

  2. I dont even think 10-20 animals is sufficient. How about no innocent animals being slaughtered to appease an all powerful, omniscience being. Even if he does have a burning fat fetish...



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