Monday, December 7, 2009

93: David is a Polygamist Wife Stealer

1 Samuel 25-27
About ten days later, the LORD struck Nabal and he died. When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, "Praise be to the LORD, who has upheld my cause against Nabal..." - 1 Samuel 25:38-39

Samuel dies, and everyone is sad for a whole sentence. I wonder why the rest of this book and the entirety of the next book are called "Samuel" if he's dead.

David, still moving around because Saul is perpetually after him, sees a sheep herder shearing his sheep. He sends his servants to go greet the sheep herder (Nabal) and ask for food. Nabal asks David's servants why he should give some random person food. David's servants tell him what Nabal said and he immediately goes to kill him. What? You ask a random person for food, they say no, so you kill them?

Abigail, Nabal's wife, sees that they are all about to be killed and gathers a bunch of food. She takes this food to David, who is already well on his way to where Nabal lives, to kill him. She begs David not to kill everyone, and tells him that he should blame her for all the wrong her husband did. David agrees and takes the food.

Abigail goes back to Nabal and tells him what happened. The bible says that his heart failed him and he became like a stone. Why? Nothing bad happened. Ten days later, God kills Nabal. I'm not sure why God decided to finally return to kill some random person. I guess God works in mysterious (read: stupid) ways.

Now that Nabal is dead, David calls for Abigail and marries her. This is on top of the wife he already has. Ok, he has two wives now, that's one more than enough. But David is just not quite satisfied yet, and he takes yet another wife.

Saul gives David's wife (Saul's daughter) to some other person while David isn't there. So David's old wife is committing adultery?

Saul camps near David. David and one of his servants sneak into Saul's tent and steal his water jug and spear. This is pretty much the same situation from the last section. David tells Saul to stop chasing him and shows him that he could have killed him. Saul goes home again, and we start this whole mess over.

David finally decides that Saul isn't going to stop chasing him and flees to live among the Philistines. I'm not sure why the Philistines would allow David to live with them, considering he's been slaughtering them and chopping off their foreskins for this entire book.

Today we're going to take a trip into the mind of a fundie.

These are all excerpts from an article titled "Merry CHRISTmas or Holiday Season" (I think the term is "Happy Holidays" but we'll ignore that for now):

[Anything not in square brackets is copy-pasted from the article, all grammar, spelling, punctuation, and spacing is original]
I will tell a atheist, Muslim or whoever Merry Christmas and God Bless you whether they like it or not [on subject, that would be "an atheist" not "a atheist"]
this E.N.D.A they are trying to pass which will force the hiring of homosexuals [not on subject]
Christians have been forced to take bibles off of their desk, and religious based screen savers, because they might offend homosexual co - workers [not on subject, screen savers aren't on desks]
ENDA [Employment Non-Discrimination Act] makes the federal government a full partner in imposing immorality and attacking religious freedoms in the workplace [not on subject]
They want to repeal DOMA [Defense of Marriage Act] and repeal the ban on the military ban on open homosexual behavior in the service, don't know about you but if I was another nation I would have no fear of a military of this nature [not on subject, sentence doesn't make sense]
Obama himself stated at a human rights campaign which is the largest group in favor of homosexual rights and I quote "My commitment to you is unwavering.... Do not doubt the direction we are heading and the destination we will reach" [not on subject, doesn't make sense]
The first thing that pops out at me is that whoever edited this (I certainly hope it was no one) should be immediately fired. From the first sentence "With the holidays season upon on us, the usual debate comes up on what to call it." (the "holidays season"?), to the last "if that offends so be it!" (capitalize? comma?) the English language is thoroughly butchered.

Now, on to the substance (if you can call it that) of the article. First of all, English 101 will tell you that you should have a subject (keeping the Christ in CHRISTmas) and stick to it (i.e. not going off on a tangent about gay people, Obama, and the ENDA). He starts out the article saying that he will tell you Merry Christmas "whether you like it or not". Right, that's the perfect way to get your point across (by the way, so is putting things in all caps, like CHRISTmas, works every time).

That's about all he has to say about Christmas before he goes off on a massive rant about gay people, and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. What does this have to do with Christmas?!

This is my favorite quote "I heard a preacher state that all the Christian's have gone into the closet[ I wonder if it is the same one all the homosexuals came out of?]" (square brackets are his this time). Yes, sir, I believe you are in the closet. Otherwise why would you go on a massive gay rant in the middle of a Christmas article?!

Michael Bell, I implore you, for the sanctity of the English language, never ever write an article again (and take off that silly hat while you're at it).

Michael Bell, with a silly hat.

(via Times-Gazette [warning: contains stupid])
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