Saturday, October 17, 2009

42: Census

Numbers 1-2
It's a good thing this section is completely boring, I don't have much time for blogging today.

God commands Moses to to take a census of the Israelis. What? Are you kidding me? What part of "all knowing God" does the bible not understand? Does God not know how many Israelis there are?

The size of the army ends up being a little over 600,000. The Levites weren't counted because they are now in charge of the tabernacle (these were the same guys that went through camp killing their neighbors and families because of the golden calf). Now anyone who isn't a Levite that approaches the tabernacle is to be killed.

Numbers 2 just describes how the Israelite clans are to be arranged in the camp *yawn*.

Friday, October 16, 2009

41: Christians Eat Babies Too & Leviticus: In Review

Leviticus 26-27
I read Leviticus 26 before I started this, and I have something to say before I begin writing. Holy shit. This section is insane, if you read none of my other entries read this one. I see no way someone can continue deluding themselves with this "all loving God" hypothesis.

First, the "reward for obedience". Your land will yield huge crops, you will live in safety, and there will be peace in your land. God will also be sure to remember his covenant with the Israelis. As we will see, he sometimes forgets. (God forgets? I guess so)

***begin insanity***
Second, the punishment for disobedience. God will bring upon you sudden terror and wasting disease that will blind you and destroy your life. Any seeds you plant will be eaten by your enemies. God will make sure that your enemies prevail over you, and force you to be so afraid that you will run when nobody is chasing you.

If you still refuse to listen, God will punish you seven times over. God will make the sky above you iron and the ground below you bronze so you cannot sow your fields. If you still don't listen God will again multiply your punishment by 7 (we're up to 49x the Godly horror). Wild animals will come after you and eat your children, your cattle, and all the people of your town.

If you still wont listen God will multiply your punishment by 7 times again (343x the punishment). God will come after you with his sword and when you hide in the cities a plague will follow you and kill you. You will eat but you will never be satisfied (welcome to America).

If you still wont listen... Ok, stop here for a minute. If God is after you with his sword, just say "yes sir". I assure you, the day God comes down with a sword and comes after me I will not only believe but I will do whatever the hell he tells me, no wild animals devouring my children necessary... We're not done yet... If you still wont listen God will again multiply your sins by seven (2401x, I wonder what happens when we get over 9000?!).

Here's what 2401 times the punishment entails. You will eat your children. Yes, God is going to make you EAT YOUR CHILDREN! He will destroy your cities and pile your dead bodies on top of your idols. He will destroy your sanctuaries and he wont take pleasure in the smell of your burning sacrifices. You know God is pissed when he doesn't want to smell your burning flesh any more. God will abhor you. But he loves you? Where is the love part? Even your enemies will be appalled at how God has destroyed you (at least someone has a conscience). It says the land will enjoy itself, so at least someone (something?) is happy.

For those who are left, God will make them so scared that even the rustling of leaves will make them run. They will apparently just keep running away from their imaginary enemies until they are dead.

If at some point you decide that you should start worshiping God again (post mortem?), God will give you back your land. He will also stop hating you (this is as opposed to what he's doing now, which is not loving you).

I think we can only come to one conclusion based on Leviticus 26, God is completely insane. There seems to be no ambiguity on when God loves you. And it's not always. It's only when you are obeying him. So how can we stick to this delusion that God is all loving? I've seen more of God's hatred than I've seen of his love so far.
***end insanity***

Leviticus 27 is largely unexciting. It sets the values for anything that you want to dedicate to God. I find it strange that it sets a numerical, monetary value to human life. I tend to think that Christian morals do not involve setting a value to human life, yet here it is in the bible. Where are these Christians getting their morals from? We've already predetermined that we only get our morals from the bible, so we'll ignore this evidence to the likewise.

Leviticus: In Review
We seem to be getting more crazy instead of less crazy here. God has lain out the punishment for almost everything a human could possibly do. The punishment is nearly always death.

Why is God creating these children only to immediately destroy them for their smallest discretion? Why does a God that "loves" us so much, hate and destroy so often?

There isn't too much to review here, there was almost no story. God seemed to just lay down the laws and threaten with horrible deaths if we didn't obey. What's the point? Why does God feel that it's necessary to come down and torture the people he supposedly loves? If you love someone wouldn't you just leave them instead of being insane and torturing them?

I leave you with a quote from our "all loving" God: "I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you." - Leviticus 26:30

Thursday, October 15, 2009

40: A Blasphemer Stoned

Leviticus 24-25
Leviticus 24 starts with repeating the types of oil and bread to be brought to God. Not too interesting.

The second half of Leviticus 24, however, is very interesting. It is titled "A blasphemer stoned". The bible says there was a fight between a half Egyptian/half Israeli (his father was Egyptian, his mother was Israeli), and an Israeli. It says the son of the Israelite woman blasphemed the name of God. But that's both of them! So who was it? Why would they go out of their way to mention who was fighting then leave it completely ambiguous about who blasphemed?

It says this horrible blasphemy, deserving of death, was cursing the name of God. God commands Moses that all of the people that heard him curse are to put their hands on his head, and then the entire assembly is to stone him to death. The bible goes on to repeat several times that you should kill people who blaspheme.

Wow, this is one of those "WTF!" moments. The paragraph that talks about stoning the blasphemer happens to come right next to one of those random times that God decides to hand down rules. So the very end of the paragraph (Leviticus 24:16 if you'd like to read along) says anyone who blasphemes must be stoned to death. The very next sentence says if anyone takes the life of a human being, they are to be killed. This is not "Thou shall not murder", this specifically says anyone who takes human life (for presumably any reason) is to be put to death. I will momentarily over look that this causes infinite regression (whoever kills the killer has to be killed, who is then killed by the next person till everyone is dead) and focus instead on God saying not even a sentence ago that blasphemers should be slaughtered. So God says you can't kill anyone for any reason and also says you have to kill many people for many reasons. What is the innocent Israeli to do? Start the long walk to hell I presume, because God can obviously not be pleased.

The majority of Leviticus 25 is the description of the year of jubilee. Every 7 years you are supposed to have a sabbath year where you harvest nothing from the land. Then every 50 (7 X 7 + 1) years you are supposed to have a year of jubilee. This year is essentially when all debts are returned and if you are a servant you are free (not slaves though).

It randomly lays out, in this section, an endorsement of slavery. I don't think this has anything to do with the year of jubilee, God seems to regularly get off topic. The bible, in plain language, says that you may own slaves from the land around you. You are allowed to will them to your children and rule over them for life. So what am I, as a hypothetical Christian, supposed to think of slavery? I obviously only get my morals from the bible, which says that owning and beating slaves is acceptable, but is slavery really moral? I thought we cleared this up in 1865.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

39: Healthy Testicles

Leviticus 22-23
These sections are very unexciting unless you're a practicing Jew and feel that you need to follow all of the rather arbitrary commands. There is a lot of repetition in these sections on top of it not being that interesting in the first place. It seems like the bible just goes through and repeats what kind of animals are acceptable to slaughter every couple of chapters.

There are a couple of new developments though. An ox or a sheep can be deformed or stunted and still be an offering but it cannot fulfill a vow. But there is something God wont compromise on. Any animal that you offer must have healthy unblemished testicles. I guess you have to draw the line somewhere.

All Leviticus 23 talks about is celebrations that have already been talked about. And as I said, they really don't seem to have much significance unless you are a practicing Jew.

God is definitely still going to be pissed if you work on the sabbath. Really, don't work on the sabbath. Did I forget to mention don't work on the sabbath? I'll leave you with something the bible obviously thinks is important, because it repeats it constantly. Don't. Ever. Work. On. The. Sabbath. We got it!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

38: Love Aliens as Yourself

Leviticus 19-21
Leviticus 19 and 20 are laws and punishments for sin, I will list the law or punishment and comment.

Respect your father and mother. Said that already (10 commandments).

Do not make cast idols. Said that already in the 10 commandments and various other places.

Do not reap the edges of your field, leave the edges for the poor and the alien. I know of no christian that does this.

Don't lie/deceive/steal/speak God's name in vain. Said that already in the 10 commandments. What is with the extreme repetition?

Don't curse the deaf, or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear God. But fear God? What does that have to do with the deaf or blind?

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge, but love your neighbor as yourself. I wonder why our Christian president sought revenge against Afghanistan. (because no revenge ever is impractical) What happened to "eye for an eye"?

If a man sleeps with a slave girl then there is to be due punishment, but he's not to be killed because the woman was a slave. As long as the man brings a ram to be sacrificed, he is forgiven. Yet another section that implies slaves are sub human.

Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip the edges of your beard. What? Right next to the inspiring "love your neighbor as yourself" is instruction on the holy way to trim your facial hair? I wonder what the punishment for improper hair trimming is.

Do not cut your bodies or put tattoos on yourself. I know a lot of Christians that have tattoos, this seems like a pretty easy thing not to do if you wanted to follow the bible to the letter. I'm not sure why this is an important law that God would bring up though.

This one needs to be quoted. "When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God." You're kidding me right? Why is it that the Christians are leading the movement to eject aliens from the country? Either follow the moral principles in the bible or don't, you can't just pick and choose (I vote don't because most of the "moral" principles are ridiculous, but this one seems to be sound).

Next is punishment for sins. Let me guess, death?

Anyone who curses their father or mother. Death.

If a man commits adultery. Death for him and the adulteress.

If you sleep with your father's wife. Death for you and your father's wife.

If a man sleeps with his daughter-in-law. Death for him and his daughter-in-law.

Gay sex. Death.

If a man marries his mother and her daughter. They will all be death.

If a man has sex with an animal. Death for him and the animal.

If a woman even approaches an animal for sex. Death for her and the animal. (The animal didn't even do anything)

If a man marries his sister. Dea... Wait. Cut off from his people! That's where the line is? Daughter-in-laws are death, but marrying your sister is just kicked out of town?

If a man sleeps with a woman on her period. Cut off from the people.

This one is interesting. Leviticus 20:19 says don't have sexual relations with the sister of your father or mother. Then Leviticus 20:20 says don't have sex with your aunt. Oops, same thing. Typo? Misprint? NO! The bible is infallible how dare you?

The end of Leviticus 20 is just repeating "follow all my laws" and "make sure to make distinction between clean and unclean animals". Ok, so we're done... Wait, no. At the very end, after two closing paragraphs, the writer remembers to mention that if a man or a woman is a spiritist. Death!

Leviticus 21 is a bunch of rules about priests.

Priests should not make themselves unclean for anyone who dies, unless they are a close relative. I'm not sure how you would make yourself unclean with someone who died, so I won't speculate.

Priests can't shave their heads or shave off the edges of their beards. They can't marry divorced women or prostitutes. If a priests daughter becomes a prostitute she has to be burned to death. They must marry virgins.

The final paragraph is interesting. None of Aaron's descendants that have defects are allowed to offer food to God. He (the defective descendant) can't go near the altar because it would "desecrate [God's] sanctuary". These defects include crippled, hunchback, dwarfed, or an eye defect. Why do these physical ailments make them any different than Aaron's other descendants?

Monday, October 12, 2009

37: Bad Sex

Leviticus 16-18
Leviticus 16 details what you should do on the day of atonement. Of course, more random sacrifice of animals. Aaron must take two goats, and kill one as usual. However, to other goat, Aaron will lay his hands on it's head and confess all of the sins of the Israelites. Then it (the "scapegoat") will set it free to die in the desert.

The bible makes sure to reiterate that eating blood is bad. This is because "the life of a creature is in the blood". Really? That's where the life is? Now we know I guess.

Leviticus 18 is titled "Unlawful Sexual Relations". How entertaining. God first says you can't have sexual relations with a close relative, and ends that command by saying "I am the Lord". I thought we'd already established who was speaking. The section goes on to list about every type of incest imaginable and says they are bad. Near the end it lists "do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter". Damn you The Graduate! Such wickedness.

Do not approach a woman who is on her period to have sex. How are you supposed to know so you don't "approach"? I think you have to approach her to find out if she's on her period.

Don't have sex with your neighbors wife. I suppose anyone else's wife is fine.

Don't give your children to be sacrificed to Molech. Why is this in the unlawful sexual relations section? Did God forget what he was talking about for a sentence?

This is also the section where it says gay sex is detestable and sex with animals is a perversion. These are apparently just as bad as having sex with a woman on her period, having sex with your neighbors wife, and watching The Graduate. So why isn't anyone on the picket lines to prevent adulterers from getting married? The bible thinks both sins are just as bad. And let us remember that adultery is mentioned in the 10 commandments, but none of these other sexual "perversions" are. So which is worse?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

36: Discharge

Leviticus 14-15
Leviticus 14 is all about cleansing yourself from infectious skin diseases. This involves taking two birds, killing one and draining it's blood, then dipping the other bird into the blood of the dead bird and setting it loose. Then you sacrifice three more lambs and bring the priest some fine flour. How many dead animals are piling up at this point? And how many do the Israelites have? At this point, they must be breeding them just so they can burn them on the altar for all of their sins. What's the point?

Leviticus 15 is titled "Discharges Causing Uncleanness", this should be interesting. At first it talks about "men with discharges". I presume this means pus or blood from some sort of skin ailment. Anyone who sits on this man's bed will be unclean till evening. I'm not sure what evening has to do with cleanliness. After he is cured from his discharge he has to sacrifice two doves to God before he can be clean. Sure, why not? Nothing says "glad you're well" like killing some innocent animals.

If a man has an emission of semen he must wash his whole body and is unclean till evening. Also, if two people have sex and there is an emission of semen they both must wash their whole bodies and they are both unclean till evening.

If a woman is on her period and anyone touches her, they are unclean (and the person on their period is definitely unclean). The bible refers to the period as "impurity", and says that anything she sits on or touches will be unclean. So all you Christian guys out there, if you've ever touched a woman (not sexually, just touched) on her period, you were supposed to immediately wash your clothes and bathe in water, and you were unclean till that evening. Oh, and all you Christian girls out there, sorry, you're totally unclean for a quarter of your life. And to think, all this time I thought it was just middle school boys that thought these things. Nope, it's God too.

What is the penalty for being unclean for the Israelites you might ask. Death. What else?

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