Friday, January 8, 2010

125: Sex Isn't a Ham Sandwich

1 Chronicles 12-14
When they came to the threshing floor of Kidon, Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the ark, because the oxen stumbled. The LORD's anger burned against Uzzah, and he struck him down because he had put his hand on the ark. So he died there before God. - 1 Chronicles 13:9-10

Today's section lists all of the warriors of David, talks about the ark being brought back to Jerusalem, and talks about David's descendants. The only thing that bears repeating is when the ark is brought to Jerusalem and Uzzah reaches out to steady it (resulting in his death). Link here.

My Bible on: Sex
I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but the bible I read is actually a teen study bible (don't worry, it's still the NIV word for word). The only thing different between this bible and a normal NIV bible are side notes on almost every page, and full laminated pages, dispersed throughout, that have tips for your life. I've been overlooking them, but now that I've seen them I just have to post them.

I think I'm going to add this as an every week kind of thing (because I'm a creature of habit). So tune in Fridays if you want to be amused/infuriated at the ridiculous things in this bible.

(This bible was published in 1998 by Zondervan Publishing House, "Features" written by Larry and Sue Richards)

This isn't for reading it's just to give you an idea of what this looks like.

Sex (seks n.)
1. Male or Female
2. The sexual urge or instinct, or sexual desire as it shows itself in behavior.

(Alternate Definition: a three-letter word with some really l-o-n-g-range consequences) [Did my bible just make a sexual innuendo?]

Is all sex considered a sin? [never answered] Why should you wait? [never directly answered] Can you do everything but? [never answered] What's so bad about it if you love the person and have protection? [never directly answered] Does the Bible say anything to teens about sex? [The bible says things about sex, but not directly to teens. And I answered that myself.]

"So God created... male and female... God blessed them and said to them, ' Be fruitful.' " - Genesis 1:27-28

God invented sex. He designed the hormones that trigger your desires. He designed every nerve ending that magnifies pleasure [creepy]. Sex isn't wrong [great!]. Sex is good, a gift from God who loves you [So... Go have sex right now?].

" 'This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh;'... For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they ill become one flesh." - Genesis 2:23-24

Physical hunger can easily be satisfied by eating some food. However, the sex drive isn't like hunger [Sex drive can be easily satisfied with sex, sorry bible], and intercourse isn't a ham sandwich [Depends on what you're into]. Sex isn't just physical-its spiritual too [I think not].

God's design for sex is very specific: one man with one woman within the legal bonds of marriage [It sure seems to work in a lot of other situations, design flaw?]. How special do you want sex to be with the person you marry? [answer: Very special, so have sex before marriage so you know your partner isn't terrible in bed.] How much to you want to be "one" with him or her-instead of five or eighteen or thirty-three? [What does that even mean?] It's easy to say, "I love you." But only "I do" says you're really one, for always [till you divorce like 50% of Americans].

You've just been presented exhibit A in the case for comprehensive sex education.

We have another fundie letter to the editor.

He was responding to another letter that compared the bible to ancient Syrian stories. To this he responded (in the title of his letter) "The Bible is not a collection of stories". Uh, it's not? It sure seems like a collection of stories to me.

The letter (like any fundie letter) contains the mandatory true Scotsman fallacy, cliche saying, and claim that Christians are persecuted:
I do know that true Christians who have put their faith in Christ would not willingly kill in the name of Christ.

Joining a church or reading the Bible won’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage will make you a car.

I, like Mr. Crusenberry, become defensive of our faith when it is persecuted, as opposed to other beliefs.
Is there an "angry letter" format that you learn about in church?



  1. Wow, I have exactly the same bible. I'm proud to say that even at 15, I had the good sense to be insulted by those pages. IIRC, it also has pop quizzes in it which are so easy they're laughable.

  2. I think I had that exact same bible version as a high schooler! Boy did I enjoy all the little "be good, love God, rock on dude!" attitudes in those extra pages.

  3. "How much to you want to be "one" with him or her-instead of five or eighteen or thirty-three?"

    I think Solomon thought the answer was in the thousand range... as always, the bible is unrealistic in setting an example for all of us to aspire to.



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