Monday, February 15, 2010

163: God Doesn't Know What He's Talking About

Job 38-39
Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. - Job 38:1

God finally decides that he's going to answer Job (which is more than the rest of us get). Instead of answering any of Job's questions, he decides to try to intimidate Job into forgetting that he just killed his family.

God tells Job how he set the foundations for the earth and marked off it's dimensions. He asks Job if he's ever "given orders to the morning" or "set dawn in it's place". I didn't realize the sun had to be whipped into shape every morning/evening. Oh wait, that doesn't make sense, because morning and evening only exist to a stationary observer on the earth. As I read this, I'm beginning to question if God knows how the laws of nature work.

God continues to reinforce my doubt. He says "have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail". Uh, God, that's not quite how snow and hail work. You see, snow is actually formed in the clouds by freezing water droplets. There isn't actually a storehouse of snow that is sprinkled around when snow falls. Hailstones form in a similar manner, cyclically passing through storm clouds until their weight counteracts force of the updraft and they fall to earth. Wait, why am I telling you this? You are supposed to know this shit.

God goes on to ask whether Job has been to the place that the lightning is dispersed. God, hello, that's not how lightning works. How is it that my average high school education (and a few years of unrelated college education) has made me smarter than God? All I need is a good sized storm and a loud speaker and I'll be able to convince someone I'm God.

God continues to dig his stupid hole. He asks Job if he could bring fourth the constellations like God does. Unfortunately the constellations aren't "brought about" by anyone. They merely appear to move across the sky throughout the year as the earth moves about the sun. I get the feeling God wouldn't do very well on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader".

God then asks Job about random animals. Apparently God watches everything that every animal in the world does, and thinks that Job should be impressed. I certainly hope that God has something more convincing to say by tomorrow. He's definitely not given me a good reason to forgive him for killing Job's family.

Joe the plumber now hates John McCain and Sarah Palin. And he called President Obama an "honest politician". This is a sign, the apocalypse is nigh.

The quote that is sure to be circulating the interwebs for a few weeks is this:
McCain was trying to use me. I happened to be the face of middle Americans. It was a ploy... [In response to the reporter asking if he should be grateful to McCain for putting him in the public eye] I don't owe him shit. He really screwed my life up, is how I look at it.
No shit genius. When did you come across that little gem of knowledge? I'm pretty sure everyone in the universe knew that "Joe the Plumber" (aka Sam Wurzelbacher) was a ploy to make McCain seem like he was in touch with "middle America". Was this even a secret?

Of course, Sam's praise of the president was prefaced with "I think his ideaology is un-American", but we'll look over that for now. He went on to say "[Obama] is one of the more honest politicians. At least he told us what he wanted to do." He also says that he dislikes the people that deny Obama was born in Hawaii, because it only drives people away and makes the tea-partiers look crazy.

I guess sometime between the 2008 election and now, Sam visited Oz and picked up a brain.

(via CBS News)


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  2. I certainly hope that God has something more convincing to say by tomorrow.

    Prepare to be disappointed then, because God's entire argument can pretty much be summed up as "I'm God, you're not, I can do what I want, shut up and take it." Still one of my favorite books of the OT, though, because the author of Job clearly knew the score. Even though he believed in gods, he knew that bad things didn't happen to people because they angered the gods - bad stuff was going to happen even if you were the most virtuous person on the planet. Job is the answer to every smug self-satisfied religious person who happens to have had a great life. It's not because you're so virtuous, it's because God is a capricious bastard who can mess you up at a moment's notice. And there's nothing you can do to stop him either. Replace the personal God here with a pantheistic "god-as-universe" idea and the author of Job pretty much nailed it.

    God goes on to ask whether Job has been to the place that the lightning is dispersed. God, hello, that's not how lightning works.

    I'd say you're jabbing at a straw man here, and that everyone knows that the Book of Job is a parable and not meant to be taken as history. Except I found out a little while ago that there are Christians who read Job as history and not as parable. That believe that Job was a real person, that the dialogue between Job and God was faithfully transcribed, etc. The above bits of "God not knowing how the universe works" work just fine if Job is a parable, but seem incredibly stupid if you think this book is somehow supposed to be historical.

  3. I could be mistaken, but I think there is some case for 'whipping the sun into shape each morning' in the ancient Egyptian cosmology.

    Could it be that ancient Jewish authors were inspired (plagiarised from) other ancient authors and foreigners?

    As you point out, yes likely too often all that is needed is a storm and a powerful voice to convince large groups of people to follow, follow, follow...



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