Friday, March 12, 2010

188: The Bible Has NO Contradictions

Psalm 119:1-88
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. - Psalm 119:37

Yesterday we had the shortest psalm. Today we have the longest. In fact, it's so long that it spans two days. These sections are divided up by letters of the Hebrew alphabet. I'll use those as my section dividers today. I don't know if this psalm was written by one or more people, so forgive me if my pronouns are messed up.

Aleph: Apparently those who are blameless are always blessed. Unless you are Job, in which case you are screwed. This person says that he is blameless (yeah, right).

Beth: The only way for a young man to stay pure is to live by the word of God. If only the word of God were in any way clear or non-contradictory.

Gimel: This person wants to be removed from God's scorn and contempt (aka God's shit list), because he practices all of his statutes. I thought practicing all of God's statutes was impossible (at least that's what I'm told by modern Christians).

Daleth: This person tells God to make him follow his statutes. So much for free will. That's actually an interesting concept. If God took away your free will when you were about to do something against his will, then wouldn't that be a good thing? If God is all good, then I would want my free will taken away if I was about to do something bad. Especially if God is going to come back and kill be for doing it. I'd rather have God take away my free will than have God take away my life for something stupid.

He: This person tells God to make him turn his eyes away from worthless things. No, God would rather have you look at bad things and do bad things, then punish you (by killing you). Rather than, you know, saving your life (from himself).

Waw: This guy wants God's love. You and everyone else sir.

Zayin: This person just brags about how he remembers all of what God has said. Good for you.

Heth: Yet another person (or the same person repeating himself) who brags about how he follows everything God has ever said.

Teth: This person tells (doesn't ask) God to do good to him. He says that since God is good, that he should do good things to people. Funny, that's what I thought too, until I read the bible.

Yodh: He says that God formed him with his hands. Which we all know is silly, we know where babies come from now. Right? We all think it's ridiculous that God molds every baby?

Kaph: Finally we start rolling back around to people hating God because he's not helping them. Just another one of the countless righteous (as far as I can tell) people in the bible that are ignored by God. For a living God nobody seems to be able to find him.

As we all know, Billy Graham has the answer to everything (42). He's got another interesting response in his editorial.

This is the question:
My uncle just laughs when I say something about the Bible, because he says it's full of errors and contradictions. How can I answer him? It's hard to talk to him about religion because he doesn't feel any need for God.
Billy tells him to ask his uncle to give an example of a biblical contradiction. I'm not sure what this is supposed to accomplish. What if the uncle mentions that the bible says insects have four legs, or that bats aren't birds? What if his uncle brings up that God says not to kill anyone but then commands Israel to kill everyone in the promised land? What if his uncle asks about the huge disconnect between God being all good/all loving, and God killing people for arbitrary reasons.

Billy says that most people who claim the bible has contradictions haven't actually read it, and therefore can't give concrete examples. Well, sorry Billy, I have. The bible has contradictions whether you want to admit it or not (from what I've heard I haven't gotten to the serious ones yet). Billy doesn't say what this guy is supposed to do if his uncle really can think of a biblical contradiction.

Of course, Billy says the final solution is to tell his uncle about Jesus.

(Billy Graham ending)
Then his uncle will instantly believe and everyone will live happily ever after.

(Actual ending)
Then his uncle will laugh in his face at a strange story of a resurrected man and move on with his day.

(via The Wichita Eagle)


  1. I'm sure someone has a list of incongruities from the Bible they could produce for Billy, or better yet, you should write to him and tell him that you actually ARE reading the whole Bible, and that it's absolutely chock full of inconsistencies. Maybe Billy Graham will follow your blog too and write apologetic nonsense like that Brent fellow. That could be really, really entertaining.

  2. Actually, wow, that was almost too easy:



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