Friday, March 19, 2010

195: The Bible is a Metaphor

Proverbs 4-6
Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. - Proverbs 6:25-26

In chapter four we have yet another proverb about wisdom. The bible just repeats over and over again that you must do everything you can to attain wisdom. I guess this means all of those Christians who don't like to pay attention in class have one more thing to feel guilty about.

Chapter five is a warning against adultery. The bible starts out by saying the lips of the adulterous drip honey, and her speech is as smooth as oil. Sounds good so far. However, the bible goes on to say that the adulterous will lead you down the path strait to the grave. Wait. We're talking about adulterers, not murderers right? I think the only way that an adulterer can lead you to your grave is if your wife/husband kills you (of course, the bible only mentions female adulterers).

The bible continues, saying that if you don't stay far away from the adulterers, strangers will take all your wealth, and you will come to utter ruin. Apparently burglars can sense when you're sleeping with someone that isn't your wife, and they will immediately rob you of everything you have. I know that must be true, because the bible says so.

Chapter six enumerates seven things that God hates.

1. Haughty eyes: If you are condescending, God hates you (or at least hates your eyes).

2. Lying: Because we didn't get that in the ten commandments.

3. Shedding innocent blood: God (and everyone else) gets around this one by having an extremely loose definition of the word "innocent". The people of the promised land were, of course, not innocent. Not even the newborn babies that were ruthlessly slaughtered. They committed the awful crime of being born in the wrong place at the wrong time.

4. A heart that devises wicked schemes: Brains that devise wicked schemes seem to be fine though.

5. Feet that are quick to rush into evil: I've never heard of evil feet. Is this one of those metaphors? It's too bad that the bible switches between metaphors and reality without mentioning the difference.

6. False witnesses: Because that's not covered in the "lying" section.

7. A man who stirs up dissension: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ben Franklin. God sounds pretty un-American. God, if you don't like Amerr'ca then you can git out (as they say).

The end of chapter six is just another warning against adultery, but the mental images in this section are just too amusing to pass over. The bible warns that if you happen upon a wayward prostitute and give into your desires, she will reduce you to a loaf of bread. Yes, you read right, you will be magically transformed into a loaf of bread. Sorry, was that a metaphor? I don't think transforming someone into pumpernickel is much more far-fetched than a talking snake, or talking donkey, or magic bread falling from the sky. If you call something a metaphor just because it's ridiculous then there's not going to be much reality left in the bible.

The chapter ends by comparing giving into a prostitute with pouring hot coals in your lap. I've never slept with a prostitute, or poured hot coals in my lap, so I'll have to take the bible's word for it.

You're getting a video today because I can't find any interesting bible news. If you stumble across any interesting bible stories be sure to let me know!

1 comment:

  1. Speaking of hot coals in the crotch :-),

    Just this week there was a rerun of Seinfeld where Kramer had an acting job, playing a patient with a rather sensitive ailment.

    Med Student: And are you experiencing any discomfort?

    Kramer: Just a little burning during urination.

    Med Student: Okay, any other pain?

    Kramer: The haunting memories of lost love. Our eyes met across the crowded hat store. I, a customer, and she a coquettish haberdasher. Oh, I pursued and she withdrew, then she pursued and I withdrew, and so we danced. I burned for her, much like the burning during urination that I would experience soon afterwards.

    Med Student: Gonorrhea?!



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