Wednesday, March 24, 2010

200: Inanimate Objects are People Too

Proverbs 19-21
"Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise." - Proverbs 20:1

Yet another day of two liners, hopefully we're about done with them.

"Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise." I guess mental concepts like wisdom aren't the only things that get personified. Even drinks get to be people in the bible.

"The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him." I hate to keep bringing up Job, but it's just so terrible that it keeps coming to mind. Job led a blameless life, and his children were killed, instead of blessed like Solomon promises here.

"Who can say, 'I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin'?" I don't know, who? I thought the bible was supposed to leave me with answers, not questions.

"Do not love sleep or you will grow poor; stay awake and you will have food to spare." I know plenty of Christians who love sleep. People should be out telling those poor Christians they are going to be poor because they like to sleep.

"If a man curses his father or mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness." This is another one of those, is it a metaphor, situations. Is this a metaphor for killing him, or are they really going to snuff out his lamp? Moral of the story: when you're going to curse your father and mother, make sure to carry around a lighter.

"Do not say, 'I'll pay you back for this wrong!' Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you." What happened to "an eye for an eye"?

"Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Instead of imprisoning people, we should just be beating the crap out of them.

"To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice." Well, this has to make Jesus feel a little silly.

"Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife." Solomon says this about 3 times throughout these proverbs (rephrasing it every time). Solomon must be having major wife trouble.

I thought I wasn't going to be able to talk about the health care reform bill, because it doesn't have anything to do with the bible. But inexorably people find a way to tie current events to the good book. This is a particularly ridiculous instance of that. The article is titled "The healthcare law is an ass", with a title like that, it has to be good.
Before you contemplate America's historic new healthcare reform bill, here's an inspirational Bible verse from the book of Deuteronomy, chapter 22, verses 28 and 29:
"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl's father 50 shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives."
Now rewrite this so it's the victim who has to pay her attacker and stay with him forever, and you'll know what happens in the US when big corrupt out-of-control industries screw some little guy, or the entire economy, and government gets involved.
What?! I feel pretty safe in saying that this is the worst analogy of all time. Someone call Guinness. I certainly hope she meant "inspirational" to be sarcasm. I'm pretty sure that if two people get married they both have to stay with each other. I'm not even sure what she's trying to say.

She's not done yet:
And how do lawmakers respond to our problems with the health insurance companies? By forcing us to marry the bastards
Are you trying to say that's bad? Because that's exactly what the bible tells this rape victim to do. So you're either saying that the bible is bad, or the health care reform bill is good.

The stupidity continues to the very end:
Over the last few weeks, there have been science-fiction-esque news stories about hybrid cars taken over by crazed computers, and careening out of control down busy highways. Luckily, Toyota is a Japanese company. If it were domestically owned, the healthcare reform bill would include provisions requiring every American to buy a Prius.
I'm not sure if she was trying to be funny or if she's just stupid. From the rest of the article I would assume the latter.

By the way, there is no mention of "ass" anywhere in this article. So the title is a mystery.


1 comment:

  1. Proverbs 20:30 "Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being."

    So I guess all those bullies beating up gays/lesbians are just doing god's will? What kind of horse crap is that?



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