Thursday, April 1, 2010

208: Bible: Now Mandatory

Song of Solomon 1-8
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. - Song of Solomon 2:3

Finally, we're at the Song of Solomon! I've been promised the most raunchy book of the bible.

The song is divided up into "Beloved", "Friends" and "Lover" sections. "Beloved" is the woman, and "Lover" is the man (Solomon). Friends are just random other people.

The book starts out with the woman fantasizing about kissing Solomon and bringing him back to her room. She talks about them sitting at a table, and how the smell of her perfume spread around the room.

The beginning of chapter two starts this "garden" metaphor that goes throughout the rest of the book. By the way, I know it's a metaphor (technically a simile, don't hurt me English majors) because it uses the word "like". If the rest of the bible used the word "like" when they were alluding to something else, I might actually understand what they were trying to say. For example:
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
Yes, he's a tree, and she's tasting his fruits. I don't need a dirty mind to get that one.

The rest of chapter 2 talks about running around like gazelles.

Chapter 3 is the woman telling a story about how she woke up in bed and her lover was gone. She went to the city to look for him. She eventually found him and wouldn't let him go. Some time later she talks about seeing Solomon's carriage, and how wonderful and rich he looked.

Chapter 4 starts with Solomon describing how beautiful the woman is. In a modern sense, he fails miserably, but I'm sure it was great 3000 years ago.
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats
descending from Mount Gilead.
Your hair is like a flock of goats? That's kind of like saying "your body is as wonderful as a cow". I've never noticed goats having great fur. Unfortunately, this failure in seduction isn't over yet:
Your neck is like the tower of David
Your hair is like goats, and your neck is long and skinny. Classy, David.

This book keeps getting more creepy, "How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!" What? I certainly hope he means "sister" in the figurative sense.

After he's done describing the woman, she wants him inside her garden (*wink wink*):
Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.
Solomon doesn't need to be asked twice, he starts eating away at the beginning of chapter 5. The woman then describes Solomon, with quite a bit more success at not making him sound disgusting.

Solomon then describes his beloved again, this time saying her nose is like a tower. Well, they are Jewish (sorry, I couldn't help myself). He, again, makes her sound less than desirable. Finally, he says that her breasts are like fruits, and he wants to grab them.

The last chapter is about how the woman wishes Solomon was her brother, so they could kiss without people questioning them. That's more than a little creepy.

Overall, the Song of Solomon wasn't that bad. But they must have forgotten to include, "Oh by the way, don't eat those fruits till you're married."

In a shocking decision today, the supreme court declared that a Texas law, making bible reading mandatory, was constitutional.

After being arrested for publicly refusing to read the bible, Patrick Miller of DeSoto, Texas sued the Texas government (with the help of the ACLU). The seemingly obviously unconstitutional law was passed in 2006 with the blessing of many Texans. One woman said this:
I think this law will protect our state from those damn heathens. All you need is a little scripture and your life will be all straightened out.
The law states that all Texans must read the bible for at least 30 minutes a day. Unfortunately, the supreme court failed to see how this violated the first amendment rights of the people of Texas. As of today, police are on heightened alert, making sure everyone reads their bible for the allotted time.

Kansas and Louisiana plan to pass similar laws within the year.

(via Fox News)


  1. APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

  2. Wow, I fell for that one. I've been on the alert for April Fools bits all day, but this one went way over my head. It's not the 2nd yet!

  3. Have to admit. . .you got me too, good one!

  4. Yea, Edward Current sure is a funny comedian.

    What's great is everybody gets him...

    ... and really, his message can be heard loud and clear by believers and non-believers...

    He's bringing all the world together!

  5. Dang,

    You removed the spam comment? Well, my comment makes no sense at all now...

  6. His spam comments usually regress into death threats. I usually don't remove comments, but he has quite a reputation.


    you little liars do nothing but antagonize...

    and you try to eliminate all the dreams and hopes of humanity...

    but you LOST...


    Einstein puts the final nail in the coffin of atheism...



    atheists deny their own life element...



  8. wow look at all that crazy



Copyright © 2009, Page Info, Contact Me