Wednesday, April 7, 2010

214: Bible Zombies and Sea Monsters!

Isaiah 23-27
"But your dead will live; their bodies will rise." - Isaiah 26:19

[As you may have noticed, the blog has a new look. Let me know what you think! If any of you web designers out there have suggestions, let me know that too. If the new layout is somehow abhorrent to your eye balls you can always read the blog on Google Reader (the old layout was apparently making people gouge their eyes out with spoons, hopefully it's not that bad now). If you're already on Google Reader and want to check out the new layout click here.]

The section starts with a prophecy "about" Tyre. As we learned yesterday, if the NIV says you have a prophecy about you, you're screwed (you want the prophecy to be against you). This chapter is no exception. God says that he is going to destroy Tyre. In fact, he's not only going to destroy the city, but he's going to make sure the land is so bad that nobody will live there for 70 years.

The next 4 chapters (aka the rest of today's section) is about God mercilessly destroying everything on earth. Now, as far as I know, this mass destruction hasn't happened yet. But of course, since the bible is all perfect, we know it just hasn't happened yet.

Chapter 24 starts with describing how God is going to destroy the earth. This includes (but is not limited to): plundering, drying up crops, burning people alive, starving people, causing people to die of thirst, ruining cities, drowning people, and causing earthquakes. And after all of this, the people are supposed to sing "Glory to the Righteous One", and if they run in terror, God is going to throw them in a pit. Lovely. It's good to see how much God loves us.

Chapter 25 is someone praising God for his wonderful destructive capabilities:
O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago.

You have made the city a heap of rubble,
the fortified town a ruin
I guess if God was about to kill me, I'd praise him too. The praise of God continues on into chapter 26. The writer praises God for killing all of his enemies (he, of course, fails to mention that God is killing his friends too, unless he's enemies with everyone).

Near the end of this person's praise of God for killing everyone, he says something a little strange:
But your dead will live;
their bodies will rise.
You who dwell in the dust,
wake up and shout for joy.
Your dew is like the dew of the morning;
the earth will give birth to her dead.
Dead will live? The earth is going to give birth to dead people? It's zombies! God is apparently going to raise the dead and send them to terrorize the living. The writer tells his people to go hide until this wrath has passed (remember, shoot for the head). This would make a great movie. You could even put "based on the bible" in the opening credits, you'd make loads of money!

The beginning of chapter 27 is also strange (as if zombies weren't strange enough):
In that day,
the LORD will punish with his sword,
his fierce, great and powerful sword,
Leviathan the gliding serpent,
Leviathan the coiling serpent;
he will slay the monster of the sea.
Yes, God is going to slay a giant sea serpent. Am I reading the right book? Is this the book that everyone says is the infallible word of God? If someone can show me a giant sea serpent, do it now. Otherwise I'm calling bullshit.

Just in case you think I've completely misinterpreted this passage of the bible, I'm not the only one that's taken this literally:

"The Destruction of the Leviathan" by Gustave Dore (1865)

Again, this is God. Destroying a giant sea monster. With a sword. I quit (for today :D).

David Dill is convicted of binding his son with duct tape, pinching him, kicking him, and whipping him.

He clearly knew what he was doing, and because of the morality God gave us all, he knew it was wrong. Right? Right?! "Up until the jury's verdict, I thought I was innocent. I thought what I did was OK ... based on the Bible."

What an idiot, the bible only says that you can beat your children, not tie them up. I'm thankful that our American justice system recognizes that not every moral commandment in the bible ("given by God") is actually moral. When you take "don't spare the rod" to it's logical conclusion, you get people tying up their kids and beating them. This case completely encompasses my argument against getting morality from the bible.



  1. I really like the new look! As I complained a couple of months ago, the white text on black background was painful to read after five or ten minutes. I swore my eyes were bleeding when I first discovered your blog and browsed the archives for about an hour!

    I'll be back for more.

  2. The font is too small (looks like about 10 pt.) and you need to move to Arial or Helvetica. Trust me - been working on the ole resume and the professionals are telling me this. The background dark spots interfere with the text too.

    Other than that - you're just an idiot when it comes to understanding the Bible - sorry pal.

  3. Can you show me an example of how I'm an idiot? If your best argument against my content is "you're an idiot" it kind of makes you look like an idiot.

  4. Well, it's obvious you're an idiot Bryan, since you're reading the Bible like a book written by fallible man! You need to realize that the Bible is the Word of God, therefore all the violence, rape, and genocide that God inflicts upon the inhabitants of the Earth is just evidence that God is Justice! God only treats people the way they deserve to be treated! If humankind didn't want it, we wouldn't have worn such a revealing outfit!

  5. That is a sweet pic of God vs. Leviathan Death Match. Don't know the artist at all though (H. Pisan? or Gustave Dore?)

    Where'd you find it?

  6. I found it on the "Leviathan" wiki page. And it is Gustave Dore. [I accidentally said "Gustavo" instead of "Gustave" in the post, fixing it now.]

  7. If you like zombies you're going to love Matthew 27:52-53



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