Wednesday, April 14, 2010

221: God is a Communist

Isaiah 54-58
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost." - Isaiah 55:1

God has obviously lost his mind today. The very first verse is weird:
Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.
Barren women have more babies than non-barren woman? Is this supposed to be a metaphor for something? If it is, I'm obviously completely missing the meaning. If it's not supposed to be a metaphor, I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean considering the definition of "barren" says that you can't have children. Therefore, presumably, you have less children (i.e. zero children) than a woman that can have kids.

For the rest of the chapter, God talks to this barren woman. I'm sure that "barren woman" is a metaphor for Israel or something. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell because God never says. If this isn't a metaphor, it's pretty weird, God says that he is going to be the barren woman's husband and that he will never be angry with her ever again. Actually, that's kind of weird even if it is a metaphor.

The next chapter starts with an invitation to all of the people who are thirsty. He tells them that even though they don't have money, they can come and buy wine, milk, and food. Wait, is God implying that we should redistribute wealth to help the needy?! This is Communism! God is trying to turn America into Soviet Russia! Sorry, I think I was channeling Glenn Beck.

I've done what we do with all Communists in America, and made a completely unrealistic image of the Communist in question looking like a Nazi.

God then goes on to say that the wicked people who question his ways will not be pardoned. Shouldn't the bible thumping right-wingers be boycotting Glenn Beck? After all, he is the one that's questioning God's infinite wisdom.

In the next chapter, we find God again ranting about how people need to keep the sabbath day holy. I say this every day, but God, we get it. We heard all your commandments the first time. Making the bible obnoxious to read isn't going to make me follow the commandments any more.

In the beginning of chapter 57, God says that righteous people die and nobody thinks twice about it. God explains that when righteous people die, it's actually for the best (this is why people don't think twice about it?). This is because in death, people find rest. First of all, this seems a lot like some earthly being (namely Isaiah) trying to explain away why the righteous die the same as the wicked. Second, what happened to heaven? I don't think there has been any time in the bible yet where it says clearly that heaven exists, and good people go there when they die. Were the ancient Israelites not privy to the information about heaven and hell? (or maybe heaven and hell were made up later?)

The rest of chapter 57 is God saying that wicked people are bad, and he doesn't care about their offerings. I thought that was the point of offerings. You're wicked and you're making up for your sin. I guess if you're too bad, you're beyond the forgiveness of arbitrarily slain animals.

The final chapter of the day is about how to fast "properly". God says that he doesn't want you to sit around and worship him all day when you're fasting (lies). You are supposed to go out and set the oppressed free. Unless, of course, you're a woman, a liar, an adulterer, a non-Israelite, or you break the sabbath. Then you're wicked and you're going to feel God's wrath.

This is too good not to share. I never knew David Cross was so awesome.

Do a quick search on youtube for "David Cross". He's got a bunch of great stuff.


  1. David Cross has always been awesome...check out the other stand up he's done

  2. If you think Isaiah is communist, just wait 'til the Gospels.

    "(or maybe heaven and hell were made up later?)"




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