Saturday, April 17, 2010

224: What Do Israel and Donkey Sex Have In Common?

Jeremiah 1-3
"How can you say, 'I am not defiled; I have not run after the Baals'? See how you behaved in the valley; consider what you have done. You are a swift she-camel running here and there, a wild donkey accustomed to the desert, sniffing the wind in her craving - in her heat who can restrain her? Any males that pursue her need not tire themselves; at mating time they will find her." - Jeremiah 2:23-24

Jeremiah starts with a verse that is commonly quoted in support of the "pro-life" movement:
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.
This apparently means God has a plan for all people before they are born (not what the verse says), therefore it's bad to abort all fetuses. Even if we accept that as true, we then have to assume that God's plan was for those fetuses to not be aborted. This seems inconsistent after I'm told that it's God's plan when a child dies, or a loved one is killed. So it's God's plan to kill kids, but it's not his plan to have fetuses aborted? Sorry, you can't have it both ways. Either everything is God's plan or nothing is God's plan.

The rest of the first chapter lays out God's plan for Jeremiah. Jeremiah is to go out and tell all of Israel what God tells him to. God tells Jeremiah not to be scared when he tells people God's word, otherwise God will make him scared. No, I didn't type that sentence wrong, here's the quote, "Stand up and say whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them." Right, don't be terrified, or God is going to terrify you. That'll show him, to not be terrified (???).

Chapter two begins the boring, God ranting, part of the book. Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be another book where God blathers on about things he's already said? God repeats how he brought the Israelites out of Egypt, and brought them to the promised land. He then says how the Israelites need punishment for worshiping those terrible false idols.

God continues to repeat how the Israelites have given in to false idols, but the way God describes how they gave into worshiping Baal is hilarious. God says that Israel is like a wild donkey in heat, and the false Gods are like the male donkeys having sex with them. Presumably the Israelites should be like a donkey that's not in heat and run away from those nasty male donkeys.

God then goes on to taunt the Israelites. He asks them why they ask for his help in times of need when they have their idols. Really God? They ask for your help and you mock them for worshiping false idols? Maybe they wouldn't have worshiped those idols if you'd shown your face once or twice. Does an all perfect/all powerful God really need to resort to mockery?

Almost all of the last chapter for today is God complaining about how the Israelites have sex everywhere. God asks the Israelites to look around and asks them if there is any place that they have not been ravished. Where do I sign up to be an Israelite? I mean... how terrible. God says if the Israelites would stop being such adulterers (to each other, and to God) he would come back to them. I guess God's not into the whole unconditional love thing.

A city counsel member from Wellington, FL is spreading around a picture of herself being sworn in using an iPhone bible.

She actually did it as a joke, but the interesting part to me is that the city counsel uses no bibles to swear themselves in. Why are Christian organizations not picketing? How dare they not use the bible.

In fact, the counsel woman says that if she did have to use the bible to swear herself in, she would use the iPhone version. I really don't get the purpose of swearing yourself in on a bible anyway. It seems to me that the iPhone version is just as valid as swearing yourself in on a book. And they're probably both as binding as swearing yourself in on a roll of toilet paper.

(via The Evangelical Covenant Church)


  1. Can I get sworn in on Mein Kampf? I'm not sure what that would mean. I'm not sure what getting sworn in on a bible means either, though.

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  3. I don't understand swearing on the Bible either. If you want me to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, should we be basing this on a document that would never stand up to cross-examination in court? Hmmm...

  4. "Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them."

    Sounds a bit like "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."



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