Wednesday, May 12, 2010

249: The Bible on Donkey Penis

Ezekiel 23-24
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." - Ezekiel 23:20

Chapter 23 is a long metaphor about two sisters Oholah and Oholibah, representing Samaria and Jerusalem respectively. Both of these sisters grow up to be prostitutes. Oholah was a prostitute for the Assyrians. God was so angry with her that he had the Assyrians kill her and take away her children.

Oholibah sees her sister's death but does not stop her prostitution. In fact she takes it one step further. She goes to the Babylonians and has sex with them. Disgusted by the Babylonians, she moves on to the Egyptians. She decides to stay with the Egyptians because their penises are like donkey penises and their semen is like horse semen. Thanks for that image, bible. I feel like I'm reading ancient porn. Kids are allowed to read this book why?

God then goes on to set up a gang bang of Oholibah. No shit:
The noise of a carefree crowd was around her; Sabeans [drunk people] were brought from the desert along with men from the rabble, and they put bracelets on the arms of the woman and her sister and beautiful crowns on their heads. Then I [God] said about the one worn out by adultery, 'Now let them use her as a prostitute, for that is all she is.'
Are these two sisters just a metaphor, or did God actually orchestrate the gang rape of a prostitute? If they are just a metaphor, then what is the meaning of Egypt having penises like a donkey?

In chapter 24 Jerusalem is invaded. God has yet another metaphor that he insists Ezekiel act out. This time God takes it a bit too far. Ezekiel talks to God, and God tells him that he is going to kill his wife. Ezekiel is forbidden from mourning his wife's death. This is so that, when the Israelites hear about the destruction of Jerusalem, they will see how Ezekiel isn't mourning and they will follow suit. God just killed a human being to make a point? What an ass hole.

*News*
New conversion method: Jobs(?).

I find this story hilarious (maybe a little sad). Laid off teachers are coming back to or even converting to Catholicism for a chance at a job teaching at a Catholic school. To prove that you're a Catholic you have to get a letter from a priest, so teachers have been going to mass in an attempt to get a recommendation letter. Here are a couple of the quotes from these "devout Catholics":
The story about Peter and Jesus walking across the water, my friend doesn’t believe that at all but she would teach it because she’s fully aware there are no jobs

I don’t particularly like going (to Mass) every Sunday, but if this is what I have to do, then I’ll do it
Why not just hire people that aren't Catholic? What's the point in having your teachers faking it? Just make it so they can't talk about anything un-Catholic without being fired and all will be fine. If they're that desperate for a job I think they'll be able to keep their mouth shut for a couple of hours a day.

(via The Star)

21 comments:

  1. It doesn't actually say that God killed Ezekiel's wife in order that Ezekiel can act out that metaphor. Rather, God's warns Ezekiel that his wife will die and tells him how to behave when she does, but the text does not specifically say why she died. So God only told Ezekiel how to mourn (or more properly, not mourn) to make a point.

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  2. "If they are just a metaphor, then what is the meaning of Egypt having penises like a donkey?"

    First of all, that's a simile, not a metaphor. Aside from that, perhaps the Egyptians really did have donkey dongs.

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    1. donkey dongs represent rising up into heaven thru the tunnel of heavenly bliss. the dong is mightier than the ding dong, it's a metaphor not a simile

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  3. "Why not just hire people that aren't Catholic?"

    By no means am I an expert on Catholics, but for the Catholic church "towing the line" has always been key, whether it be genuine or fake. And one of their main mottoes has always been "One of us! One of us!"

    And as far as the horse/donkey thing goes, well maybe we just still share a sense of humor with the ancients:
    http://preview.tinyurl.com/tshirt-horse

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  4. That reminds me of something that happened near my hometown a few years ago. Some guy killed his daughter because he thought she was the devil and God wanted him to kill her (Even though Ezekiel didn't kill his wife himself, it still reminded me of that for some reason). The guy is totally insane, and thankfully in jail for life now.
    Here's the full story: http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/04/lofquist-daughter-murder-plea.html

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  5. Maybe he wasn't insane. Maybe God really did tell him to kill her. Can you prove otherwise?

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    1. God wouldnt tell someone to do something that would contradict His word or His character. God pronounced judgment on the wicked in those days spoken through prophets when the bible was not yet complete. Today the bible is complete and is the law for moral conduct believers must live by.

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    2. Yeah... funny how the bible is "complete" now that the claims of religion can be properly scrutinized, analyzed, and correctly ridiculed. As technology advances, religion regresses.

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    3. Yeah... funny how the bible is "complete" now that the claims of religion can be properly scrutinized, analyzed, and correctly ridiculed. As technology advances, religion regresses.

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  6. It's hardly surprising that they require teachers to go through the motions when even many priests do so.

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  7. Only by the fact that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and had been having problems for years. If she really was the devil and God wanted her killed, why wouldn't he have alerted the whole world instead of one man, or at least let him get away with it instead of going to jail? That's some great reward for his noble devil slayer. Not to mention if God is omnipotent and has a plan for everyone, why did he let the devil infiltrate the earth in the form of a little girl, and why couldn't he have taken care of her himself instead of telling someone to do it for him. Nothing makes sense if you assume he was telling the truth. The simplest explanation is that he's crazy.

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    1. Maybe try reading the story of Abraham with that same mindset.

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  8. Not a metaphor.  The writer is chronicling the historical actions of two demonstrably real women.  

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  9. It is Clearly a metaphor as the writer points out at start that they are SAMARIA and JERUSALEM.Any body who red history of ISRAEL will clearly see it as metaphor.The prophet was warning the IDOL adultery of two separated kingdoms which were ONE GOD PEOPLE nation ISRAEL

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  10. I think they meant that African Americans have dongs like donkeys!! Lol to hell with the Egyptians, they ain't got it going on like the brothas

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    1. Yeah... The bible is full of stories about African AMERICANS....

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  11. I think they meant that African Americans have dongs like donkeys!! Lol to hell with the Egyptians, they ain't got it going on like the brothas

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  12. Totally unique stuff is here really amazing!!!go!!

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  13. Egypt is in Africa. That explains the big floppy donkey ding dongs

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