Saturday, February 13, 2010

161: Something New?

Job 32-34
So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes. But Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. - Job 32:1-2

A young man named Elihu has apparently been listening in on this conversation the whole time but not speaking because he was younger than Job. Elihu scolds Job's friends for not having any good arguments against him. He then promises that he has something new and exciting to say because the spirit of God has compelled him to speak. Spoiler: He doesn't have anything new or exciting to say.

He spends the first chapter and a half telling Job to "prepare to be confronted". Protip: If you're going to lead up to what you say for a chapter and a half, you better have something pretty damn interesting/convincing to say. This is what he ends up saying:
But I tell you, in this you are not right,
for God is greater than man.
For God does speak—now one way, now another—
though man may not perceive it.
In a dream, in a vision of the night,
when deep sleep falls on men
as they slumber in their beds
"You're not right", genius! Why can't I think of rebuttals like that? Also, God really does speak, he just whispers in your ear when you're asleep. So there you go, Job is going to get his trial, it's just going to be whispered into his ear while he's asleep. He goes on to say the rich always get punished just like the poor (not true), and the guilty are always brought to justice by God (really not true).

The rest of Elihu's monologue is tomorrow. He better say something revolutionary or I'm going to be disappointed.

If you're looking for a great love story for Valentines day, you should apparently look no further than the bible.

Jan White contends that God's love for us is no secret. All we have to do is open our bible and God's love will come pouring out of the pages. Maybe as long as you only open your bible to the last quarter.

I'm still waiting for this book to turn into the love-on-every-page story I was told to expect. As of right now our "all loving" God is killing children because Satan double dog dared him and raining fireballs down on innocent people. In fact, God's love has only occasionally been mentioned in passing. Yet people still pick a few passages out of the New Testament and say "See! God loves is all the time".

If I went out and slaughtered kittens, then came back to my house and pet a cat for awhile, does that mean I'm an all loving cat person? I could even tell all my friends that I really, really love cats, but does that cancel out my kitten slaughtering? I've heard the saying "actions speak louder than words" a lot, this principle must not apply to God.

"I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you." - God talking to Moses, Leviticus 26:30

(via The Andalusia Star News)

Friday, February 12, 2010

160: Job Was Drenched in God's Cream

Job 29-31
Oh, for the days when I was in my prime,
when God's intimate friendship blessed my house,
when the Almighty was still with me
and my children were around me,
when my path was drenched with cream - Job 29:4-6

We're now in a section where it's only Job speaking. Unfortunately, Job hasn't found anything original or interesting to say. In the name of keeping this interesting, I've decided to devote this day to making fun of the bible's wording. Yes, I know this is immature of me. No, I don't care. Today's section seems to be filled with sexual innuendo (some intentional, some not).

The first one is our quote of the day, which I'll repeat for consistency:
Oh, for the days when I was in my prime,
when God's intimate friendship blessed my house,
when the Almighty was still with me
and my children were around me,
when my path was drenched with cream
God drenched your path with his cream eh?

Next, Job makes a covenant:
I made a covenant with my eyes
not to look lustfully at a girl.
If my heart has been enticed by a woman,
or if I have lurked at my neighbor's door,
then may my wife grind another man's grain,
and may other men sleep with her.
Grind another man's grain? Is that what they called it back then?

I don't really understand this next one:
I have not allowed my mouth to sin
by invoking a curse against his life-
if the men of my household have never said,
'Who has not had his fill of Job's meat?'-
but no stranger had to spend the night in the street,
for my door was always open to the traveler-
It just seems wildly thrown into the text. First Job's talking about his mouth sinning, then he's talking about filling people with his meat. This actually makes more sense if I make it dirty.

This has been me trying to be interesting in a completely stupid/pointless section of the bible.

I really hope this is the last time I talk about Tim Tebow, because I've already had two news stories about him. We'll just have to hope he doesn't go pro.

The NCAA has banned messages in eye black. That means no more college football bible verses.

Fortunately, the NFL already has a rule that you can't have messages in your eye black. I'm not sure how anyone got the idea that you should write something on your face during a football game.

I apparently don't have anything fascinating to say today, so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. See you tomorrow :D.

(via The Orlando Sentinel)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

159: No, You're a Douche

Job 24-28
Why does the Almighty not set times for judgment? Why must those who know him look in vain for such days? - Job 24:1

The excitement of Job has slowed to a stop. I'm fairly convinced that a boring quotient was calculated for books of the bible before they were allowed in. My guess is that the book had to be at least 50% repetitive, pointless boredom to be in the bible.

Job says God is nasty a few more ways. His friends call him a douche a few more ways. Job responds by calling them douches, while at the same time implying that God is pretty douchey too. Job continues on for two more pages, I'll paraphrase "blah blah blah... God sucks... blah blah... Nobody will ever be good enough for God... rabble rabble... Fear God... (continue for two more pages)"

Only 14 more chapters (D:).

There's a religious person that's not being a hypocrite. Does not compute.

The National Association for Evangelicals has come out in support of immigration reform. Supporting things like allowing illegal immigrants who have no criminal records to stay in the country. The biblical passage I would point toward for allowing immigrants to stay in the country is Leviticus 19:33-34:
When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.
Now if only the rest of the anti-immigration people would get on the bandwagon.

(via USA Today)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

158: The Problem of Evil

Job 21-23
Bear with me while I speak, and after I have spoken, mock on. - Job 21:3

Job talks about the problem of evil in today's section. He asks his friends why good people have terrible things happen to them (like Job has just had happen) while evil people live in peace and prosperity.

His friends respond by saying Job was really evil. This is completely untrue. God himself said that Job was blameless in all things. His friends are obviously talking out of their asses to make him turn to religion. That's oddly like what people do these days.

They keep telling him to go back to God and he will be happy. But he'd never even questioned God's goodness until everything was destroyed (by God). How did worshiping God loyally help him? Wouldn't he be just as bad off (or maybe better off) if he hadn't been worshiping God in the first place?

Job finishes out the section begging God to show himself so he can present his case.


As all good fundies know, the world is ending soon. Since end times are near, we know that the biblical prophecies are going to start coming true. Among those prophecies is the mark of the beast.

The idea is that some "mark" will be put on everyone so that they can do business. Some (crazy) people think that this mark will come in the form of an implanted chip. I'm not sure how that's a mark, considering it goes under your skin, but we'll roll with it.

This came up because there is new legislation in the Virginia House of Delegates to ban "involuntary" implantation of radio frequency (RF) chips. I'm pretty sure involuntarily stabbing something into someone's arm is already illegal.

Compounding the stupidity is that if God says something, it's supposed to happen no matter what. So shouldn't these people be supporting the immediate, involuntary implantation of RF chips? It might bring back Jesus sooner!

(via The Washington Post)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

157: Hating God Has Never Been So Boring

Job 17-20
God has made me a byword to everyone,
a man in whose face people spit.
My eyes have grown dim with grief;
my whole frame is but a shadow. - Job 17:6-7

Oh boy, we've gone from mildly monotonous back to truly boring. There are only so many ways Job can call God an ass hole and not repeat himself. And there are only so many ways Job's friends can say that God is great and Job's an ass hole.

I'm ready for the fascinating conclusion that everyone is talking about. I'm pretty sure this book could be about 6 chapters long, instead of 42.

A professor at a community college in Fresno, California is accused of using his Health Sciences class as a weekly church service/anti-abortion rally.

He's quoted as saying "If people don't want to have children what's the scoop on that? Why put ourselves through the expense and torture and the butchering of children?" So professional.

Two students have filed complaints with the school administration. In these complaints, the professor is accused of reading the bible in class, and expressing his (presumably negative) opinion on homosexuality.

I just don't get it. I don't know what, as a teacher, makes you say "Hmm, I really need to make these kids think the way I do about everything, even though I'm supposed to be teaching them about science." I've never gotten the urge, while teaching my lab, to profess my atheism or read passages from the God Delusion. That would be unrelated and stupid, just like reading the bible and expressing your opinion on abortion.

(via UPI)

Monday, February 8, 2010

156: Will Your Long-Winded Speeches Never End?

Job 14-16
"Will your long-winded speeches never end?" - Job 16:3

The quote today pretty much sums up how I'm beginning to feel about this book. They're starting to repeat things they've already said. It's no wonder people think the bible is boring. It's not that most of the stories are particularly bad, it's just that the writers feel they need to repeat everything about 5 times.

Job's really starting to get pissed that his friends are trying to defend God. He tells them that if they were in his place they wouldn't be saying the things they are. But he also says that if he were in their place that he would be making eloquent speeches in God's defense too. Self admitted hypocrisy is the best kind.

We all know that Ouija boards are the tools that evil spirits use to get inside of us. But they're now more dangerous than ever, they're colored pink!

I've actually never tried out a Ouija board. Somehow I think that "evil spirits" wouldn't show up with a room full of skeptics. What is it about a piece of cardboard that allows the spirits to take us over?

Of course, fundies don't take well to logic, so they're up in arms about their young daughters being targeted by this malicious piece of pink cardboard with letters printed on it.

(via Fox Chicago)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

155: God Doesn't Read You Your Miranda Rights

Job 11-13
Will you show him partiality?
Will you argue the case for God?
Would it turn out well if he examined you?
Could you deceive him as you might deceive men? - Job 13:8-9

Pretty much more of the same today. Job's friends giving terrible reasons why God shouldn't be hated right now. Using the same arguments people use today. "Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?" Is that something like God works in mysterious ways?

Job continues to ask God to tell him his crimes (he didn't commit any crimes). He also says that his friends are giving God unfair partiality just because he's God. I think the bible is strengthening my atheisty arguments. Thanks bible!

Well, as most of you know, today is Super Bowl day, and my home team the Colts are playing. So I have some major pre-game watching to do. But don't fret, I found a relevant video today (this is probably the reason I know about Job).


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