Saturday, February 27, 2010

175: I Hate You! No, Wait. I Love You! No, Wait...

Psalms 58-65
Lowborn men are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie; if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath. - Psalm 62:9

All the Psalms today are written by David.

Psalm 58: The rulers of the earth are bad. So David prays that God will break their teeth. He also prays that they will be like a stillborn child and they won't ever see the sun. What a nice guy David is.

Psalm 59: David again prays to God to deliver him from his enemies. Then he tells God how nasty they all are.

Psalm 60: David goes back to telling God not to forsake him any more. David is upset that God has "given [them] wine that makes [them] stagger". Uh, David, I think that's the point of wine. I still haven't found any rhyme or reason to David saying how wonderful God is, then saying how he wishes God wouldn't reject everyone so much.

Psalm 61: David lets God know that he prays to him all the time. Also, he can't wait to take refuge under God's wings. God has wings?!

Psalm 62: David calls God a rock again. God is back to being all loving, as opposed to rejecting people. In this Psalm we have one of the most confusing lines in the bible. It's today's quote but it bears repeating:
Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
Is this a riddle? I think we've metaphored our metaphors.

Psalm 63: David's body longs for God. He doesn't love you like that David. David wants to glorify God with his lips. Whoa David. Sexual harassment? He doesn't forget to throw in a "please kill my enemies" before the Psalm ends.

Psalm 64: David wants God to kill his enemies. He suggests a few ways that God could go about doing this (shoot them with arrows, bring them to ruin, etc). I think these 150 Psalms could be condensed into about 3 Psalms (1. Please kill my enemies. 2. Stop rejecting me. 3. You're awesome.).

Psalm 65: God is great. He fills streams with waters. Everyone sings to him with joy. Except, of course, the people that David wants God to kill. He's not so great to them.

I've never actually watched the West Wing. But I was linked to a pretty awesome video from the series that I thought I'd share. Also, I ran out of time to look for news, so hopefully nothing terribly exciting happened in bible news today.

[I would suggest skipping the first 1:30 if you're looking for the bible related stuff]

Maybe I'll have to start watching the West Wing?

(thanks to Mike for the link)

Friday, February 26, 2010

174: I'm Vile... Like David

Psalms 51-57
The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." They are corrupt, and their ways are vile; there is no one who does good. - Psalm 53:1

All the Psalms today are written by David.

Psalm 51: David pleads with God to forgive him after he sleeps with another guy's wife and then has him killed. David says that he would give offerings to God, but God apparently doesn't like those anymore.

Psalm 52: God is going to bring everlasting ruin on bad people. Except David.

Psalm 53: Again, you are a fool if you don't believe in God. You are also corrupt, and your ways are vile. Just think, those atheists could go sleep with people's wives, then kill their husbands. Oh wait, that's what David did.

Psalm 54: David prays to God to save him from Saul.

Psalm 55: David prays to God some more. He also says how wonderful he is for (sometimes) saving David from his enemies.

Psalm 56: David trusts God. I guess he doesn't trust him to remember that David would really like him to be merciful. This is evidenced by the fact that David repeats this almost every chapter.

Psalm 57: And to finish out the day, David again asks God to be merciful. I think he gets it David. He probably even got it the first time, being "all knowing" and all. David promises to sing to God a lot.

As some of you may have heard, a trainer at SeaWorld was killed this Wednesday by a killer whale (imagine that).

But wait, what does this have to do with the bible? I naively thought this wasn't bible related, until I saw an article titled "Bible ignored, trainer dies". Oh, so that's why it happened! Wait, what?

Of course, this is one of those situations where the Old Testament should be acted out to the letter. This is the passage they quote mined:
If a bull gores a man or a woman to death, the bull must be stoned to death, and its meat must not be eaten. But the owner of the bull will not be held responsible.
Sorry, did I say "acted out to the letter"? I meant "changed a little so the rule applies to all animals instead of just bulls". By the way, Orca are detestable animals according to the Old Testament, so we probably shouldn't be keeping them anyway if we were trying to be biblical. I'll quote a little from the article:
So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn't know the animal was going to go postal on somebody.

But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal.
Whoa, wait a minute. This isn't the first time this orca has killed someone, so we should put some SeaWorld staffers to death (seems a little counterproductive considering the theme of this article)? If we take the killing of the animal literally, then don't we have to take the killing of the human literally? This is a classic example of taking the bible literally until it sounds crazy, then you don't.

Moral of the story: Bulls = Orca. Killing = Killing, unless you're talking about killing humans, then Killing = Calling someone naughty. Makes sense to me.

(via RenewAmerica)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

173: Come and See the Desolations He has Brought

Psalm 46-50
Come and see the works of the Lord, the desolations he has brought on the earth. - Psalm 46:8

All of the Psalms today are written by the sons of Korah, except for Psalm 50, which is written by Asaph.

Psalm 46: The sons of Korah claim that God now makes wars stop. That's funny, I've only ever seen him start wars. Also, when God lifts his voice, the earth melts. Lets hope God doesn't feel like raising his voice for anything. The strangest/most terrifying quote of this chapter is our quote of the day. I looked up the word desolations, just to see if there was an alternate (good) meaning to the word. Here's what I found:
Main Entry: des·o·la·tion
1 : the action of desolating
2 a : grief, sadness b : loneliness
3 : devastation, ruin [a scene of utter desolation]
4 : barren wasteland
I thought the Psalms were supposed to be happy fun time. I guess not. All the sons of Korah have to say about God is pretty nasty.

Psalm 47: You should pray to God, exalt him, and shout to him cries of joy. Probably out of fear of desolation.

Psalm 48: Now the sons of Korah switch tracks a little and now claim that God has endless unfailing love. Love for who? He doesn't seem to love the enemies of David. Hell, he doesn't even seem to love David that much. He desolates the sons of Korah. He kills the enemies of the sons of Korah. Who does God have unfailing love for? He just loves us so much that he kills us.

Psalm 49: Psalm 49 is pretty interesting. It talks about what happens when we die. The sons of Korah say that those who do not follow God will just rot in the grave ("death will feed on them"), but those who do follow God will be brought to him. No mention of hell (or heaven for that matter).

Psalm 50: To the righteous, God says that he doesn't need their bulls or their goats for sacrifices. Thanks for the heads up on that one. Too bad people already sacrificed hundreds of thousands of animals in the first few books. To the people that aren't righteous, God says that he's going to tear you apart. Tear you apart with love?


A mother agreed to starve her son (to death) because he refused to say "amen" after his prayer.

Making matters even worse is the fact that her son was only 16 months old. The reason he didn't say amen? Not because his vocabulary was undeveloped, or because he was having a bad day. He was possessed by a demon.

I don't have much time to talk about this, but I'd encourage you to read the article.

(via The Baltimore Sun)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

172: It's God's Plan

Psalm 40-45
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. - Psalm 42:1 [Best pickup line ever?]

Psalm 40 (David): God helps David in this chapter (as opposed to almost killing him). David again asks for mercy from God. He's probably going to need it within the next few chapters when God's bipolar disorder flares up.

Psalm 41 (David): If you have regard for the weak you are blessed. David's enemies are after him again. David prays for mercy. [The end of Book I]

Psalm 42 (Sons of Korah): The sons of Korah pant for God, whatever that means (sounds dirty). They also call God a rock, he must like that. However, they too complain to God because he's never around and their enemies are dominating him. Apparently God doesn't reserve his bipolar disorder for David.

Psalm 43 (No Author): God has rejected yet another lost soul. The whole Psalm is someone crying out to God for blessing.

Psalm 44 (Sons of Korah): The sons of Korah say that they haven't done anything wrong, yet God still crushes them under his feet. Maybe Satan made more than one wager?
Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.

Why do you hide your face
and forget our misery and oppression?
What happened to the miraculous God that was around all the time? Why does everyone in the Psalms tell God to stop hiding? I think the bible is turning me into a deist (or it would be if I believed what it was telling me).

Psalm 45 (Sons of Korah): This is a wedding song (says the title of the chapter). It's about, well, a wedding. The sons of Korah tell the bride and groom that they are going to be blessed forever. Wishful thinking.

Layla Grace is going to die. Her mother has decided to blog/tweet about it for the past 10 months. What brings you to blog about your child's demise confounds me, but that's not what I'm going to talk about.

What I am going to talk about is my absolute lack of comprehension of how people keep their faith as God kills their children (if you believe God does everything, you believe God is killing your child, Layla's mother is one of these people). As I skim through Layla and her mother's journey, from naive optimism, to slim hope, to Layla's certain death, I can't help but feel disgusted at any all powerful being that would stand by and allow this to happen. Layla's mother and her 13,000 twitter followers have been praying for the past ten months for the eventual miraculous recovery of this poor two year old girl. What has it gotten them? False hope, maybe.

I don't mean to reinforce an ignorant stereotype here, I don't hate God. I don't think he exists. But if someone somehow proved to me that God did exist, this would make me absolutely loathe him. No amount of "God has a complicated plan" makes up for this. No plan should involve slowly killing two year olds. If that's your plan, make a new one! To those that truly believe in God, how do you reconcile this? What hoops does your mind have to jump through to make slowly suffocating children in their own bodily fluid ok? I, for one, would be supremely pissed at God.

Dear hypothetical all-loving God,

You sure have a funny way of showing your love for humanity.


( [Twitter: @LaylaGrace]

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

171: Context!

Psalm 36-39
I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence. - Psalm 39:1 [All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing - Edmund Burke]

All Psalms written by David today.

Psalm 36: God's love is wonderful. Got it David, you really don't need to repeat it every few lines. David prays again that his enemies will die at the hands of God.

Psalm 37: Do good and God won't kill you (maybe). Of course, who knows what good is. God doesn't set a very good example.

Psalm 38: David pleads to God to not hurt him in his anger, or discipline him. Apparently God has shot David with arrows, afflicted him with skin diseases, and made his bones brittle. It's getting a little ridiculous that David switches back and fourth almost every chapter from God being wonderful to God almost killing him.

Psalm 39: David brags about how he is going to remain silent when the wicked are around. Maybe you should be saying "you are being wicked, God is going to kill you". But that might result in David's enemies not being killed, and we wouldn't want that.

I found an interesting video today as opposed to news. I'll find interesting news when I've had more than 4 hours of sleep.

Monday, February 22, 2010

170: God Tastes Like Chicken

Psalms 32-35
"Taste and see that the Lord is good..." - Psalm 34:8

Psalm 32 (David): Those who God forgives are blessed. So insightful. Everyone who is godly should pray. Psalm 32, shall be called henceforth "Psalm of the obvious and apparent".

Psalm 33 (no author mentioned): You should sing to God a lot. This mysterious writer had obviously not heard my singing. The mystery writer also says God made the earth, as if we hadn't heard that yet. God apparently gathers the water of the seas and puts them in jars in his spare time, good to know. "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord". God is God eh? Does this mean the nation also gets to join the tautology club? Unless that sentence implies there are other gods, which we all know isn't true.

Psalm 34 (David): This seems like yet another boring Psalm. David says that we should fear God, glorify him, and so on and so fourth ad nauseam. That's until I got to the 8th verse: "Taste and see that the Lord is good...". We get to taste God?! I wonder if he tastes anything like Jesus (from what I hear he tastes a lot like stale crackers and cheap wine). I guess I have to hold off judgment on whether God is good until the taste test.

Psalm 35 (David): More of David praying for his enemies to be destroyed by God. Nothing terribly exciting.

We have yet another great practical use for the bible, storing pot! It seems like I've already had a story like this, but it's been too long ago.

A couple was pulled over in Florida for a traffic violation. As the officer approached the car he reportedly smelled marijuana. He decided to search the vehicle. The officer found a bible between the seats, and the holy spirit must have overtaken him because he opened it up. And lo and behold, there was the marijuana! The THC Ministry will be pleased.

And I was starting to think the bible was useless, silly me.

(via The Brewton Standard)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

169: Dude, You're Such a Rock

Psalms 26-31
To you I call, O LORD my Rock; do not turn a deaf ear to me. - Psalm 28:1

All the Psalms today are written by David.

Psalm 26: David says how wonderful he is. He says he is blameless. Sure you are David.

Psalm 27: God is David's salvation. God helps David when people are trying to eat him ("When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh").

Psalm 28: David calls God a rock again. Is this a compliment? Should I start going around calling my friends rocks? He again asks God not to drag him away with the wicked.

Psalm 29: God is the king. God gives strength to people. The end.

Psalm 30: God helped David (somehow) and David is grateful. The sections today are really failing to be interesting.

Psalm 31: David hates those who worship false idols. David spends the rest of the long chapter saying how wonderful God is. How many of these Psalms are there? Oh, that's right, 150. Oh boy.

Wow, we have two bible teacher child rapists in two days.

The relationship started with 49 year old Scott Spier becoming a mentor to a 15 year old student. It escalated into an obviously inappropriate sexual relationship. Just let me reiterate, no matter what position of "trust" a person is in, don't leave them alone with your kids. It just seems like a bad idea.

I don't have much to say about this. If you want to see the whole story check out the link.

(via KTVB)

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