Saturday, March 13, 2010

189: Bible, Banned

Psalm 119:89-176
I open my mouth and pant, longing for your commands. - Psalm 119:131

Lamedh: God is perfect in every way. If this person hadn't heard the word of God he would have died. He also mentions that his enemies are about to kill him, so I guess the whole trusting God thing isn't going to work out so well after all.

Mem: This guy is smarter than all of his teachers because he knows the word of God. I'm glad you didn't get a big head or anything.

Nun: This man prays that God will accept his prayers, and that God will teach him his law. I certainly hope the same person didn't write all of Psalm 119, because that would be a very confused person.

Samekh: The writer hates double-minded men. Double-minded being defined as "undecided" or "vacillating". Yes, indecisiveness is definitely worthy of hate. If you don't know something you should just decide that one way is right and the other way is wrong, and stick with it forever no matter what. Now I know where Christians get this hatred of indecisiveness from.

Ayin: This person has done what is righteous and just, therefore deserves to be saved from his enemies. He demands that God ensures his well being, and tells God not to let the arrogant people oppress him. But wait a minute. Aren't you being a little arrogant yourself by saying that you're better than everyone else for doing everything that you thought was righteous and just?

Pe: Yet another Hebrew letter section starts out by saying that God's statutes are wonderful. The writer of this section wants God's statutes so much that he opens his mouth and pants, longing for God's commands. That's a little weird buddy.

Tsadhe: Surprise, surprise, another person thinks all of God's laws are great. I think he gets it guys. Distress and trouble have fallen on this servant of God, but he still keeps all of God's commands. How's that working out for you?

Qoph: This person pleads to God to answer him when he prays. Don't you know you're supposed to have faith? If God immediately answered you, you would actually know he existed, therefore you wouldn't have faith... Or something stupid like that.

Resh: We have another person that is praying to God to deliver him from his suffering. Somehow I doubt we're ever going to find out if God actually helps these people.

Sin and Shin: This guy praises God seven times a day. Well good for you. He too is still waiting for salvation.

Taw: The last one! The writer of this one has strayed like a lost sheep from God. He prays that God will bring him back around.

*News*

Arizona has permanently banned the bible... Or at least that's what the title of these articles would lead me to believe.

The small town of Gilbert, Arizona has decided to enforce it's zoning laws with respect to religious gatherings. Their zoning laws prohibit religious gatherings of any kind in residential areas. This, of course, doesn't mean they can't study their bible in their church, or study their bible by themselves.

This all came about when a police officer noticed a sign advertising church meetings in a pastor's home. Moral of the story: don't advertise when you're going to break zoning laws. Hold your meetings in private, the police aren't going to knock down your door and make sure you're not holding bible studies.

But that would be too easy. These people need to get their names in the paper and make their outrage heard. Oh, and of course, let everyone know how Christians are so terribly oppressed.

(via WorldNetDaily)

Friday, March 12, 2010

188: The Bible Has NO Contradictions

Psalm 119:1-88
Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to your word. - Psalm 119:37

Yesterday we had the shortest psalm. Today we have the longest. In fact, it's so long that it spans two days. These sections are divided up by letters of the Hebrew alphabet. I'll use those as my section dividers today. I don't know if this psalm was written by one or more people, so forgive me if my pronouns are messed up.

Aleph: Apparently those who are blameless are always blessed. Unless you are Job, in which case you are screwed. This person says that he is blameless (yeah, right).

Beth: The only way for a young man to stay pure is to live by the word of God. If only the word of God were in any way clear or non-contradictory.

Gimel: This person wants to be removed from God's scorn and contempt (aka God's shit list), because he practices all of his statutes. I thought practicing all of God's statutes was impossible (at least that's what I'm told by modern Christians).

Daleth: This person tells God to make him follow his statutes. So much for free will. That's actually an interesting concept. If God took away your free will when you were about to do something against his will, then wouldn't that be a good thing? If God is all good, then I would want my free will taken away if I was about to do something bad. Especially if God is going to come back and kill be for doing it. I'd rather have God take away my free will than have God take away my life for something stupid.

He: This person tells God to make him turn his eyes away from worthless things. No, God would rather have you look at bad things and do bad things, then punish you (by killing you). Rather than, you know, saving your life (from himself).

Waw: This guy wants God's love. You and everyone else sir.

Zayin: This person just brags about how he remembers all of what God has said. Good for you.

Heth: Yet another person (or the same person repeating himself) who brags about how he follows everything God has ever said.

Teth: This person tells (doesn't ask) God to do good to him. He says that since God is good, that he should do good things to people. Funny, that's what I thought too, until I read the bible.

Yodh: He says that God formed him with his hands. Which we all know is silly, we know where babies come from now. Right? We all think it's ridiculous that God molds every baby?

Kaph: Finally we start rolling back around to people hating God because he's not helping them. Just another one of the countless righteous (as far as I can tell) people in the bible that are ignored by God. For a living God nobody seems to be able to find him.

*News*
As we all know, Billy Graham has the answer to everything (42). He's got another interesting response in his editorial.

This is the question:
My uncle just laughs when I say something about the Bible, because he says it's full of errors and contradictions. How can I answer him? It's hard to talk to him about religion because he doesn't feel any need for God.
Billy tells him to ask his uncle to give an example of a biblical contradiction. I'm not sure what this is supposed to accomplish. What if the uncle mentions that the bible says insects have four legs, or that bats aren't birds? What if his uncle brings up that God says not to kill anyone but then commands Israel to kill everyone in the promised land? What if his uncle asks about the huge disconnect between God being all good/all loving, and God killing people for arbitrary reasons.

Billy says that most people who claim the bible has contradictions haven't actually read it, and therefore can't give concrete examples. Well, sorry Billy, I have. The bible has contradictions whether you want to admit it or not (from what I've heard I haven't gotten to the serious ones yet). Billy doesn't say what this guy is supposed to do if his uncle really can think of a biblical contradiction.

Of course, Billy says the final solution is to tell his uncle about Jesus.

(Billy Graham ending)
Then his uncle will instantly believe and everyone will live happily ever after.

(Actual ending)
Then his uncle will laugh in his face at a strange story of a resurrected man and move on with his day.

(via The Wichita Eagle)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

187: Glenn Beck, What Have You Done?

Psalm 115-118
I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. - Psalm 118:13

All the psalms today are anonymous.

Psalm 115: All the other gods are false. I don't know how you determine which God is the right one, but this guy has figured it out.

Psalm 116: This person says that God answered his prayers. He conveniently doesn't mention how God did this, or what we should ask God for to get him to do it for us. I guess we just have to take his word for it.

Psalm 117: I think this is probably going to win the shortest Psalm contest:
Praise the Lord, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord.
I'll let you interpret that one. I think all the other Psalms could be condensed to about this size too.

Psalm 118: Again, God did something great to save this guy from his enemies, but we don't get to hear about it. You'd think with the length of the bible people would be able to go into some detail. No, they just constantly repeat what everyone else has said. Maybe my next project will be to condense the bible into 50 pages (I'm fairly confident it could be done without any loss of data).

*News*
Well, the Christian Post is pissed off again. That's not surprising. What is surprising is who they're pissed off at. Glenn Beck.

Glenn Beck recently urged anyone who is in a church that encourages "social justice", to leave their church. He equated social justice with Nazism and Communism (like he does with everything he doesn't like). Needless to say, churches that equate social justice with helping the poor aren't too pleased with Glenn Beck. Social justice seems to have an unfortunate (for Glenn Beck) definition:
* Freedom of thought;
* Liberty of conscience as it affects social relationships on the grounds of religion, philosophy, and morality;
* Political liberties (e.g. representative democratic institutions, freedom of speech and the press, and freedom of assembly);
* Freedom of association;
* Freedoms necessary for the liberty and integrity of the person (viz: freedom from slavery, freedom of movement and a reasonable degree of freedom to choose one's occupation); and
* Rights and liberties covered by the rule of law.
Yeah, if your church believes that shit, get out of there quick. You wouldn't want to be accused of being a nice person.

Congratulations Glenn Beck, you now have another group of people that's not taking you seriously.

(via The Christian Post)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

186: Mr. Deity and the Dodge Charger

Psalm 108-114
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom - Psalm 111:10

Psalm 108 (David): David says God is great and asks for help killing his enemies. I think God would have answered the first time if he was going to help you David.

Psalm 109 (David): David asks for help killing his enemies again, but this time he goes about it in a bit of a different way. He asks God to appoint someone evil to appose his enemies. He tells God to put an "accuser" at their side. The interesting part is that "accuser", according to my NIV footnotes, can be translated into "Satan". So David is asking God to send Satan after them (depending on how you want to translate it). Which doesn't seem terribly out of the question, considering God and Satan seem to hang out a lot (see Job).

Psalm 110 (David): God now says (says David) that he will come help crush David's enemies. Finally.

Psalm 111 (Anonymous): God is great, says anonymous. Also, you can't be wise without fearing God.

Psalm 112 (Anonymous): Anyone who fears God will be blessed. All the wicked people will supposedly see this blessing and be so jealous that they will waste away to nothing.

Psalm 113 (Anonymous): God is wonderful. Nobody is as wonderful as God. The Psalms have definitely turned into a yawnfest.

Psalm 114 (Anonymous): The whole earth trembles in the presence of God. All the mountains skip around like rams (since when?).

*News*
A new Mr. Deity came out, AND it's payday. Every other Wednesday is a happy day.



If you didn't catch that first part. Maybe this will help you:



I thought he looked familiar.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

185: Paramount Presents

Psalm 106-107
When our fathers were in Egypt, they gave no thought to your miracles; - Psalm 106:7

Both the psalms today are anonymous.

Psalm 106: Anonymous says God is wonderful and we should all pray for him. And then, you guessed it, a biblical recap! These anonymous writers need to get together and just write one biblical recap, or even better, just read the first part of the bible and leave these psalms out.

BOOK V

Psalm 107: This is just continuing the biblical recap started in psalm 106. What a waste of a day.

*News*
Paramount has begun production on a $30,000,000 bible movie, and in 3D nonetheless.

The movie is about the book of Genesis (the whole thing or just the beginning, I don't know). Needless to say, I have to see this. There are so many things that they have to deal with. What is God going to look like? Is he going to be an actor? How will the creation of the universe look (that's very up for interpretation)? Are they going to include the incest/rape/murder in the book of Genesis, or water it down for a lower rating?

If you'd have told me 6 months ago that I would be this excited about a bible movie I would have called you crazy.

(via Deadline New York)

Monday, March 8, 2010

184: God Wrote Notes on His Hand Too

Psalm 103-105
Praise the LORD, O my soul - Psalm 103:1 & Psalm 104:1

Psalm 103 (David): God is great, and compassionate, and wonderful. But of course, we probably only have to wait a few chapters for David to start whining about how God hates him again.

Psalm 104 (Anonymous): This Psalm starts and ends the exact same way David's Psalm started and ended with "Praise the Lord, O my soul", either someone is plagiarizing or David forgot to write his name at the top of the scroll. In this chapter, God bathes himself in light, as opposed to yesterday when he was surrounded by darkness. So which is it? Is God surrounded by darkness or light? I actually find this chapter pretty interesting, this anonymous writer (looks like David to me) lists all the things that "God does". Among these things are making grass grow, making the sun go down, making it rain on mountains. But of course, we now know God doesn't do any of these things, they all have perfectly wonderful scientific explanations. Science: 3, God: 0.

Psalm 105 (Anonymous): This is yet another biblical recap. I wonder if these anonymous (anonymouses? anonymi?) know that this stuff is already written down. No need to summarize over and over again. I wish I had more to say, but he just summarizes the journey of Israel to the promised land.

*News*
I'm sure you've all heard about Sarah Palin's palm-notes fiasco. What you may not have heard about is her excuse for doing it (which she admittedly thought up after the fact).


Energy, Budget Cuts, Lift American Spirits

Why? Because God did it! Of course, why didn't I think of that?

She came out today saying this:
I didn't [at the time] have a good answer to that criticism because I thought it was so ridiculous
Wait, you're not supposed to tell us that you just made up and excuse. You're starting out by undermining what you're about to say. Why are you in politics again?

Anyway, go on (with the excuse you just made up):
If it was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me
If you just said "what the fuck" out loud to your screen, you're in good company. The passage she is referring to is this:
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. - Isaiah 49:16
Good one Sarah, how many servants did you have scouring the bible to find that vague quote? Of course, if God does it, we know we should do it. I guess it's genocide time (reason #95,834 that Sarah Palin should not be President).

(via New York Daily News)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

183: Meet Me Halfway

Psalm 96-102
My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. - Psalm 102:11

As of today I am over halfway through the bible! Or at least half of the days are up. Who knows how evenly this biblical dividing website has split the bible.

Psalm 96 (Anonymous): God is the best god (again). And we should most definitely worship him. Psalms repetitiveness has gone from amusing, to entertaining, to boring.

Psalm 97 (Anonymous): God rules over the world. Everyone should fear him because he burns people he doesn't like to death. There's an interesting image in this chapter, the bible says God is "surrounded by darkness". That seems like the opposite of what I've always heard. I thought God was surrounded by light and only the bad guys were dark. I guess "Lord of darkness" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "I am that I am".

Psalm 98 (Anonymous): We should all sing to God. You should also shout for joy because of God (when he's not too busy killing/maiming you).

Psalm 99 (Anonymous): All the nations should tremble because of God. God loves justice. Anonymous has to go back over Moses and Aaron again, in case we forgot.

Psalm 100 (Anonymous): Shout for joy and thank God for everything. The psalms today are terribly unexciting, and psalm 100 is only 2 short paragraphs long.

Psalms 101 (David): Again, I thought we were done with the psalms of David. David lets us know how he hates what the faithless people do (love you too David). David says he's going to "put people to silence" (to death?).

Psalms 102 (An afflicted man): This afflicted man prays for God to cure him. He says that because of God's wrath his days are like shadows. However, he seems confident that God will come back and have compassion for Israel (not necessarily him).

*News*
In the name of getting homework done, I'm giving you a video. It's a little genesis bible study by Ricky Gervais.

 

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